In a stunning a result, the heretofore little regarded Red Sox Nation Bobsled Team placing a shocking third in the 4-Man Bobsled finals today in Vancouver, posting a time of 3:23:98 and capturing the bronze behind Sweden (gold) and Germany (silver).
Team captain Neil “Sully” O’McSullivan was ecstatic with the result.“This is fahhhh every fackin’ RED SAWX FAN BACK HOME!WE FACKIN’ LOVE YOU GUYS!YANKEES SACK!”
It was an upset for this Red Sox Nation Bobsled team to even make it Vancouver to begin with.The team’s qualifying trials for the Games were marred when fourth member of the crew Robert “Bawbby” O’Sheagerald was forced to withdraw from the team after saying that while he “hated the s—t” out of Derek Jeter, he really respected the way he played the game.
But O’Sheagerald’s replacement, Thomas “Tawmmy” O’Learyhan of Quincy, MA, proved more than a capable substitute, helping the team post a Red Sox Nation record time at qualifying trials and setting up the team’s miraculous Vancouver run.
Fans of the team were delighted.
“Whey-ah the fack ahhh we, Vancouvah?THIS TOWN BLOWS.It’s nawt cloudy enough!Real towns have clouds!” said fan Jack “Sully” FitzSullivan, one of many wearing the trendy pink Red Sox Nation Bobsled team hats around town.“But whatevah.This brawnze medal just proves that the fackin’ Red Sawx ahhhh the best baseball team in history, and that OW-AH FANS AHHHH THE ONLY TRUE FANS OUT THEY-AH!!!!”
The Red Sox Nation team outclassed more traditional outfits like Switzerland and Norway to capture 3rdplace in the finals, but their finish was not without controversy.Some have disputed the true nationality of the team’s runner, John “Thah Jawnstah!” McO’MacDonald, who was born in Philadelphia.
But McO’MacDonald defended himself to reporters.“I am no cahhpetbaggahhhhh!!!” he said, while dipping six tins of Kodiak simultaneously.“I may have been barn in Philly Nation.But my hahhhht has always been here-ah!THESE AHH MY PEOPLE!”
This is Red Sox Nation’s first-ever gold medal in the Winter Olympics.The country has long been known as a powerhouse in the Special Olympics, but this new bobsled triumph has them setting their sights a bit higher.
“This shows you can do anything if you hate the fackin’ Yankees enough,” said Sully.The first one.