Olympic Recap: Today’s Gold, Silver, Bronze

Another day of the Winter Olympics is in the books. Let’s see who medaled.
Bronze: Johnny Weir
The U.S. figure skater received threats from anti-fur activists earlier in the Olympics. But last night in the men’s short program he eschewed fur and instead sported a black and pink number with a corset — including mesh, skin-revealing panels, a pink tassel, sparkles and vinyl. Weir himself said his outfit featured “man cleavage and a pink ruffle.” SPORTS! So forget about the anti-fur activists. Weir may now be targeted by those fearing he will reveal Victoria’s secret.
Silver: Curling
The “sport” of curling, our most broom-centric sport, got a lot of TV time on Tuesday. This can only spur the growth of other exciting janitorial-inspired sports such as:
Sawdusting – A team full of sick children vomits all over a hallway floor. The sawduster must cover it up with sawdust before the stench reaches the judges (who are all middle school principals).
Organizing – Competitors try to fit as many dangerous chemicals as possible inside a small, poorly-lit, walk-in closet in an allotted time. Bonus points are awarded for the placement of a nudie calendar.
Keying – Keyers are given a ring with 150 keys on it. The winner opens the most rooms. Points are lost for using the wrong key, or for cursing at an impatient kid.
Fleeing – Competitors hide a camera in the girls’ locker room shower, record for as long as they can before getting discovered, and then run from police.
Plunging – Exactly what it sounds like. You try to unclog a toilet before your opponent unclogs a toilet. BUT IT’S FOR YOUR COUNTRY!
Gold: This ad
It’s for a Chicago-area furniture store chain. And it’s gold. Pure gold.

Wait. What’s that guy got against Asian carp? RACIST!

(h/t Fourth Place Medal blog)