Another day of the Winter Olympics is in the books. Let’s see who medaled.
Bronze: Ski cross
If you haven't seen any of the ski cross at the Vancouver Games, it's a new Olympic sport and it's only the greatest thing ever. Here is what ski cross looks like:
More sports like this please, Olympics. Let's combine ski cross with the biathlon. Actually, let's combine ski cross, biathlon and nailing … what appears to be Britney Spears' grandmother. That sport would look like this:
Silver: U.S. snowboarder Graham Watanabe
This quote it is not from yesterday, but I didn't learn of it until yesterday — and if NBC's Olympic coverage has taught us anything, it's that something being new is a state of mind. So here's Graham Watanabe on how it feels to be an Olympian:
Try to imagine Pegasus mating with a unicorn and the creature that they birth. I somehow tame it and ride it into the sky in the clouds and sunshine and rainbows. That's what it feels like. — Graham Watanabe.
And all this time I've been going with the easy joke of snowboarders being potheads. Lazy. Cliched. They obviously do a lot more than just pot and deserve to be recognized for it. Sorry for the oversight, dudes!
Gold: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
The American upset of Canada is being called the biggest U.S. hockey victory since the "Miracle on Ice" 30 years ago. And it is. But here's the problem: How can Americans celebrate beating Canada in an "upset" in hockey when every other day we mock Canada for failing to rival our greatness? America's 51st state. America's hat. Those ugly moose f—kers. (I just made that one up.) We feared the Soviet Union. So it was an accomplishment to beat them. Whereas we like Canada. And maybe pity them a little bit. All the U.S. did in Sunday night's game was steal the lunch money from the quiet kid at school. He never did anything to us. But now he might starve. Does that make you feel good? What's to celebrate there? Other than BEING AWESOME!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Suck it, America's hat! You reek like scalp!