Olympic Recap: Today’s Gold, Silver, Bronze

Another day of the Winter Olympics is in the books. Let’s see who medaled.
Bronze: The Netherlands
Dutch speed skating coach Gerard Kemkers cost Sven Kramer gold in the men's 10,000 meters by telling him to take an illegal lane change. After the race, the despondent coach said: "It is a disaster. My world has collapsed. This is the worst thing that has happened in my life." WHAT?! A bad lane change in speed skating is the "worst thing that has happened" in his life? Wow. What sort of magical utopia does this man come from? A place full of tulips, windmills, and legalized marijuana? Oh, he does? Makes sense then.
Silver:Mirai Nagasu
The American figure skater is in sixth place after her short program routine — a routine that included a nosebleed. Gross. Nagasu blamed the blood on the dry Vancouver air.Riiiiiiiight.It rains 300 days a year in Vancouver. The air there is not very dry. A more likely story is that she has a pre-routine habit of "picking out a winner", if you know what I mean. It's either that or she was born with a rare uterus/sinus inversion. I'm sure I saw her crotch sneeze.
Gold: Kim Yu-na
The favorite in women's figure skating earned a world record score of 78.5 points in her graceful and athletic short program, taking a five-point lead over blah blah blah blah blah. Boring. Who cares. Here is the real reason to watch figure skating — lots of people falling down:

Apologies for the Smash Mouth. Feel free to deduct points for that.