How China is reporting the Winter Olympics to its citizens

China's medal count at the Vancouver Olympics stands at nine — good for 9th place overall, 23 medals behind the United States. But the Chinese people are hearing very different news from their government.
Here is a copy of an account of the Games released today by the Chinese Government.

Glorious news from the Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver! The Chinese delegation has jumped out to an early, insurmountable lead in the medal count. Although the corrupt Western press may lead you to believe that the Germans and Americans have won the most medals, you must trust the Chinese government on this one: proud Chinese athletes are undefeated. Here are a few highlights from the Games so far!
— Chinese figure skating pair Shen Xue and Zhao Hongbo set a NEW WORLD RECORD for points while earning the gold medal in pair skating. They narrowly edged fellow Chinese skaters, Pang Qing and Tong Jian, who earned a silver medal and deeply, deeply shamed their families.
— Disappointing fifth place skaters Zhang Dan and Zhang Hao have disappeared under mysterious circumstances, although WE WISH THEM WELL wherever they are buried.
— You may have heard a VENOMOUS RUMOR that the Chinese curling team lost its first match 6-5 to the French. Purely propaganda! In the lazy Western system of scoring, one is actually rewarded for scoring fewer points. Thus, chalk that one up as a 5-6 victory for the Chinese team. If they keep putting up these amazingly low scores, a gold medal is well within their reach!
— Cross country skiing hopeful Xu Wenlung allegedly finished in 68th place in the 15 km freestyle competition, but these results are corrupt. The Chinese Olympic Committee is appealing the outcome of this race, as we feel that it was run in dangerously clean air! We are diligently removing the catalytic converters from Vancouver’s cars, and we expect Xu to DESTROY THE COMPETITION when a makeup race is staged under more suitable atmospheric conditions.
— Likewise, we are appealing the BLATANT CHEATING that led to Zhang Chengye’s 32nd-place finish in the 10 km sprint biathlon. By refusing Zhang’s simple request to paint the shooting targets so that they would look like the heads of Tibetan dissidents, the organizing committee rendered the race’s results meaningless.
— Do not be fooled by false reports that the American women’s hockey team defeated the brave Chinese women by a score of 12-1. This “game” was nothing more than a Chinese team practice that the Americans invaded in a typical show of imperialism. We refuse to be intimidated and will DEPLOY WARSHIPS to defend the sovereignty of future practices.
— Five-time Chinese ladies’ figure skating champion Liu Yan remains hopeful about her medal chances despite the fact that she must compete against American and Russian skaters who are as old as 17 years of age. It is downright shameful that these girls are not being readied for retirement or an exciting position in a BIRTHCERTIFICATE FORGERY WORKSHOP.
— The Chinese people won a major victory by not sending competitors for the luge, skeleton, and bobsled events. Only LAZY, DECADENT WESTERNERS would indulge in a sport where gravity does all of the work for you. Winning Olympic medals should be about chemistry, not physics.
— Chinese speed skater Wang Beixing took a temporary bronze medal in the women’s 500m, but we expect for this to be quickly upgraded to a gold after her rivals Lee Sang-Hwa and Jenny Wolf admit to blood doping, WHICH THEY WILL CERTAINLY DO if they ever wish to see their families alive again.
— Although the Western press refuses to report the results of these events, the Chinese delegation has also swept the gold medals in the following events: ice table tennis, snow gymnastics, alpine BADMINTON, and cross-country arctic weightlifting.
Remain faithful, fellow workers! It is only with your support that OUR ATHLETES CAN WIN ALLof the gold, silver, bronze, copper, and titanium medals during the remainder of the Games!