Jimmy Johnson is in a new ad for ExtenZe. The commercial is full of subtext because penis pills are a delicate subject matter — especially when the maker of the product being advertised has been nabbed for false advertising and unfair business practices, and the product is not FDA approved.
I mean, you can't just come out and say: "This doesn't work! But we would still like your money!" Hence: subtlety.
Let's examine the ad.
The commercial's transcript follows. Bold is the transcript, non-bolded is the subtlety!
"I’m Jimmy Johnson and I recently became the spokesperson for Extenze, the No. 1 maleenhancement tablet. You know it's No. 1 because it has an unnecessary Z in the name. All quality, reputable drugs are named as though they are mid-90s rappers. Everyone knows this. Even though I’m the winner of four collegiate and professional football championships and have a sportscasting career, I can still use more money and I'm not a REAL journalist, so I have no problem doing a commercial like this. I’ve been surprised at the one big — Get it? BIG! Like a really giant penis! A massive throbbing cock!!! Just picture it! —question guys ask me these days: “Does ExtenZe really work?” Can you believe it? I can't. If I was a regular guy who could ask me a question, I'd ask something like: "Did your Miami Hurricanes teams smoke crack in the locker room?" Or: "Why didn't you release Michael Irvin and call the cops when he stabbed a teammate in the neck with a pair of scissors? Do you have no morals?" Or: "Is Michael Strahan as big a douche in real life as he appears to be on television?" But, no. They ask about ExtenZe. So here’s my answer: it works for me — Remember that huge dong I had you imagine a few seconds ago? Now picture it on me! That's right. I'm hard right now. —and since ExtenZe has sold over a billion tablets to men, I’m thinking it works for them, too.Because sales = greatness. Just look at the Top 40! All of that music is AWESOME. Most men want to perform the best they can in just about everything. Isn’t that why we buy the biggest — There's that word again! It refers to my huge dick! — and best of everything? So if you want that maxiumum performance edge every day, I say go long with ExtenZe [throws ball]. I do. [Note: ExtenZe may make your manhood larger. However, as evidenced by how I just threw that football, it will NOT make you throw like a man.]"
"[Announcer]:If you call now, we’ll send you a week’s supply of Extenze absolutely free. All you pay for is the postage stamp. You'll also give up your dignity. Because we send it an a big ass box with ExtenZe written in huge font on the side, so all your neighbors know you have a micropenis. And we’ll also send you an invitation to have dinner with Jimmy Johnson at an upcoming ExtenZe dinner event.Classy! Dinner with Jimmy and a free week’s supply of Extenze, all for the cost of a postage stamp. Call now. Use your pinky-sized penis to dial the phone!"