We’ve Seen Your Junk. Now What? — An Athlete’s Guide


The life of the rich and powerful seems glamorous. Money, fame, women. But it's also very easy to have pictures of your junk plastered all over the internet.

U.S. congressman Anthony Weiner is not the first this has happened to. Pro athletes like Santonio Holmes, Grady Sizemore, Greg Oden and Brett Favre came before him. If you are a professional athlete and have your nudie pics leaked to the Internet — or accidentally tweet them out to your thousands of followers — what should you do?


1. Take legal action — Have your attorney contact the website that first published the photos to threaten legal action if they are not removed. The photos you took of your junk were not intended for public consumption. They were intended for the love of your life: that girl you hooked up with at the club earlier in the night. Heather. Or Shontelle. Whatever her name was. The one with the nice, fake jugs and the pierced clitoris.

2. Apologize to the public — There's no use pretending the photo isn't all over the world. May as well just come out and apologize. It will make you look like a big man. (Well, even bigger man.) Follow the lead of Oden. He apologized the same day his photos hit the internet, and even tried to stay lighthearted about it with this line on 95.5 The Game in Portland: "Those pictures were taken and sent over a year and a half ago. I've definitely grown since then." No, really. He actually said that. Any PR expert will tell you: If you can apologize for your dong shots AND mention how big you are down below at the same time, you're doing it right.

3. Speak out against sexting — We all make mistakes. That's part of life. But you can make a negative into a positive by going to schools and youth groups and explaining to them the many negatives of sexting. Tell them why it's so wrong for a teenager to do that. They need to wait until they are adults so they're sending pics of their full-grown organs.

4. Don't be so trusting — It's unfortunate, but as a famous person you need to be cautious of those around you. Someone you trusted with a picture of your schlong betrayed you by sharing it with the world. You got burned. It's just the world we live in today. No one can be trusted. Everyone is trying to make a buck. It's not like the old days. Babe Ruth used to commission massive portraits of his balls and just give them away to random acquaintances. It was a good time. A simpler time. But if you give someone a painting of your balls in today's America, you're some kind of pervert. Sad but true.

5. Remember things could be worse — Look on the bright side: You wouldn't have taken a picture of your junk in the first place if it wasn't huge. The picture you sent was only intended for one person. But it got out. So now everyone in the world knows that you have a massive package. Oh no. What a tragedy.

[The above section does not apply to Brett Favre.]