Mr. Emanski —
As you have probably seen by now, I did not get elected into the baseball Hall of Fame. You need 75-percent of the vote to get in. What did I get? 21.5 percent. 21.5 f—king percent. So only 53.5 percent off! D'oh! So close!
Hey, but guess who did get in?! Andre Dawson! Are you familiar with Andre Dawson? Here are his career numbers over 21 seasons: 438 home runs, .279 batting average, .806 OPS.
Guess who trumped all those numbers in just 19 seasons? Me! ME, you prick! I had 493 home runs, a .284 batting average and a .886 OPS.
Hmmm … so why is it that Dawson's career is so much more highly-regarded than mine?
Oh, I don't know … let me think. Ooh! I know! Let's play a little word association. I'll go first: Andre Dawson.
What did you think of? Baseball, right? Of course. That is all Andre is associated with.
Here's another one for you: Fred McGriff.
Did you think of a foam-hat wearing shill in a horribly-produced series of baseball training commercials???
DING! DING! DING! You win! And so I lose. Dawson's a Hall of Famer, I'm a punchline.
You dick, Emanski. You dick. I agree to shoot a video to help out your little baseball academy for a few hundred bucks. You slap a foam hat on me and screw me over with fine print saying the commercial will run for eternity without ever changing spokesman or updating the production quality.
It would be one thing if you helped me get better at baseball.
But did I win back-to-back-to-back titles? No! I did not! I won one World Series with the Braves. But we lost a whole bunch of championships back-to-back-to-back. You don't mention that in the ad.
Building block approach? More like stacked piles of feces.
Oh, right. I almost forgot. Thanks to you I can throw a baseball into an overturned trash can from the outfield. Here I come, Hall of Fame!
I hate you, Emanski. DIE!
P.S. — I saw how you touched that AAU shortstop back in '91. I can take you DOWN, Emanski!
To: Tom Emanski … From: Fred McGriff
Mr. Emanski —