Tennessee is reeling today over the news that Layla Kiffin, considered perhaps the state's top MILF, is moving to Los Angeles.
"Devastating. Absolutely devastating," said Governor Phil Bredesen. "We thought we had her for the long haul. We thought we'd get to enjoy that body and leer at it for another 10 to 12 years before she moved on or everything dropped and started getting saggy. At least I can say we sincerely appreciated her while she was here."
"I never even got to smell her hair," said University of Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton. "God knows I tried. But every time I'd get in really close and almost breathe it in, she'd spot me and turn around. She had an amazing sense for that. She had a lot of amazing attributes."
Many high school seniors who had committed to Tennessee are reportedly now reconsidering.
"I was going there for her," said Darrell Smith, a highly-touted running back from Memphis. "I don't know why she's going to Los Angeles where she'll be just another blonde woman with a big rack. Here she was unique. Here she was special. I could have showed her how special she was. That was my goal. Hit that. And then, once that's taken care of, focus on winning a national title and playing in the NFL."
Tennessee has immediately begun the search for a successor.
"We are looking for full C-cups or perky D's," said Hamilton. "And, of course, 36-24-36 measurements or something in that proportional ballpark. We'd also like another one who has had children. Because then you know what you're working with. It's easy to get a good-looking woman pre-babies, but then she might blow up after having kids. Not an angel like Layla. Oh, Layla … we'll miss you."
The school is also hoping their replacement for Layla Kiffin is married to someone with some sort of football coaching background, even if at a low level.
"But the coaching thing is not a deal-breaker," said Hamilton.