NFL Wild Card Round: Winners and Losers

WINNERS
1. Joe Theismann — Annoying? Unbearable? Perhaps. But he is also making broadcasting history. Late in the Jets-Bengals game, Theismann compared Jets receiver Quan Cosby to Wes Welker. If you are unfamiliar with Mr. Cosby, he shares the same skin tone as Heathcliff Huxtable. Yes it's true. A national sports broadcaster compared a black receiver to a white receiver, a white receiver to a black receiver. First time ever. Joe Theismann: now breaking barriers like they were his leg.
2. Braylon Edwards — The Jets receiver dropped a pass in the end zone that hit him right in the stomach. The drop was so bad, it could only be described as … "Braylon Edwardsian." Thank you, sir. Thank you. Had you caught that pass, Mark Sanchez's stat line would have been that much better, leading to even greater media praise. We have faith that you will continue to help us in this area. Please, when SanCHEZ throws you the ball, keep dropping it like it's caliente! (GET IT?! MARK SANCHEZ IS OF MEXICAN DESCENT!)
3. Rex Ryan — He got to spend the weekend in Cincinnati. Cincinnati … where they put chili on top of noodles! HOW GREAT IS THAT?! Noodles are way more filling than stupid little rice! Also, the Jets won. But that was kind of a down part of the trip, because that was three hours away from NOODLE CHILI.
4. Aaron Rodgers — The Packers wanted you to be the next Favre. But you didn't pull it off. You played great. You were blowing it! But then … on the last play … a game-ending turnover! What a save.
5. Donovan McNabb — After yet another playoff defeat, many Philadelphia fans want the Eagles to be handed over to backup quarterback Kevin Kolb. Is Kolb as good as McNabb? Remains to be seen. But Kolb will never achieve as much as McNabb has in the world of dorkdom.
LOSERS
1. America … and the world — The Patriots aren't good. And haven't been for a while. Their quarterback is past his prime, their star receiver doesn't care, their defense is devoid of talent, and their head coach has no more clue than any other sideline chunker. Watching them get embarrassed in the postseason isn't quite as fun as it used to be. Our high-fives aren't as high. Our belly laughs not as deep. Our tears of joy not as pure. Let's admit it: We enjoy the Patriots being good. Let's pray that they return to dominance in 2010 and lose in the Super Bowl to go 18-1.
2. Wes Welker — Julian Edelman scored New England's only two touchdowns. Looks like running across the massive area of the field that Randy Moss clears out isn't so hard. You may be out of a job, Lil' Wes. But have no fear. We saw you on those crutches. You definitely have a chance to get some work on Broadway as Tiny Tim. If only Bob Cratchit was as scrappy as you, Tiny Tim could have afforded surgery long ago. You're a pussy, Cratchit.
3. Joe Flacco — Where to begin? According to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms, Flacco stays at his parents' house in New Jersey in the offseason. In their house, he still sleeps in his boyhood bedroom. And in that bedroom, still upon the wall, is a poster of one Tom Brady. How incredibly sad. Flacco is really hanging onto his childhood. Consider his left eyebrow his childhood and his right eyebrow his adulthood. The unibrow keeping them joined is this little boy's room. Time to shave the unibrow, Joe. Don't be scared. Enjoy being rich and single. You don't want to spend your time sleeping at your parents' house under Tom Brady. You might be able to sleep under women even prettier than him. (Maybe not in Baltimore. But other places, definitely.)
4. God — Kurt Warner might be retiring. Or not. Who knows. What we do know is that Warner is going to challenge Favre this season to an indecisive-grizzled-old-man-off. And Warner's going to pull you into, Big Guy. He'll say that he's praying to you for advice. Don't participate! Don't let him slander you! It will hurt your image! Smite him! SMITE HIM NOW!
5. Jets fans — Stay classy, Jets fans. Stay classy.

Oh, relax, you say. Don't be so politically correct. Fine. Whatever. But I seriously doubt these guys would find it funny if I dressed up in stereotypical Douchebag garb.


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