1. Wes Welker — Your deeply flawed team is now even more doomed than it was before. Sure. But football isn't about winning anymore. Football is about branding. Sports are about making yourself bigger than the game. About making yourself marketable. And, Wes, you did wonders for your brand on Sunday. Because while the ACL and MCL — the flashiest of knee ligaments — in your knee were torn, you kept your gritty, hustling knee ligament. As only Wes Welker would do. That's right, Wes, you still have your scraPCL.
2. Carson Palmer — 1-for-11, 0 yards and an interception. Way to not show the Jets, your first round playoff opponent, any of your plays that go for positive yards! Very clever. Now you'll have them by surprise when you explode on them with one of your classic 14-for-25, 174-yard efforts. You have been duped, Jets!
3. Pittsburgh Steelers fans — Like the Patriots last year, you missed out on the playoffs by the whim of the tiebreakers. And like the Patriots last year, you lost a few games because you were without your star player all year. (How dare you compare Tom Brady to Troy Polamalu!) So, you have a built-in excuse as to why you didn't win another Super Bowl. Plus, you throw in the fact that Ben Roethlisberger got run over after the 2005 Super Bowl win, and that the Patriots cheated in the AFC Championship Games at the beginning of the decade, Pittsburgh and New England basically combined for 20 Super Bowl championships last decade that were RIGHTFULLY THEIRS!!!
4. Willis McGahee — Your three touchdowns put your team into the playoffs. And one of those runs included this stiff arm:
My goodness. Of course, don't get too high on yourself, Willis. The guy you threw to the ground was named Hiram Eugene. The average NFL team doesn't have CPAs starting in the defensive backfield.
5. ZORN! — The man who gave you wings has lost his job, but it had to be this way. You couldn't achieve your full potential being linked to someone who is gainfully employed. But now, whenever a sports-related zinger is delivered, ZORN! will be there. Whenever a forced pun needs to be accentuated, ZORN! is available. Wherever there needs to be laughter, there is ZORN! And, you know, while the Redskins have jettisoned Zorn, because they are the Redskins they will always be a joke, so they will always have ZORN! (ZORN!)
1. Tom Brady — You stupid moron. Why are the hot ones always so dumb? You have two broken ribs? Two of them? So the exact number of kids you have? You do realize, don't you, that you don't have to take a rib out of your body to make your kids? That was only Adam in the Bible. Jeez, man. I think this means you're not even the father. Ha-ha. You're raising Leonardo DiCaprio's kid. Or … ohmigod … Belichick's kid.
2. Chris Johnson — Congrats on the 2,000 rushing yards. Well, 2,006 yards. But … bad news. I went back through the film and watched all of your 358 carries and it turns out some of them were spotted poorly. Some by a quarter of a yard or more. Others by just a few centimeters. Anyway, after the final tally, you only ran for 1,997 yards. D'oh! So close.
3. Rams fans — Two Rams fans fell out of the stands at the end of the game yesterday and were hurt. That's not the funny part. The funny part is that they did so because they were trying to grab a shoe tossed in their direction by a Rams player. I could see leaping to your death to get away from Rams gear. I mean, jeez — why wouldn't you? But willfully trying to touch Rams paraphenalia? These people got off easy.
4. Josh McDaniels — This is why you don't let children coach professional teams. Remember that movie "Little Big League" about the kid who coached a major league baseball team? In the little-known sequel he gets addicted to meth and is molested by the team's DH.
5. Jets — Oh, Jets. Jets, Jets, Jets, Jets. Only you would screw up by making the playoffs. Do you have any idea what a real defense is going to do against Mark Sanchez? On the road? In the playoffs? You could have just given him a nice long offseason to work on his game and reflect on the positives of his rookie year. But now he is going to be humiliated in front of the entire country. You morons. The only way this ends well is if Jay "Chris Henry had it coming" Feely misses a game-winning field goal in the playoffs. Which, if that happens, well done on making the playoffs, Jets. We thank you.