1. Foreign kickers — Neil Rackers, Shaun Shuisham, Nate Kaeding. All failures. And all of them sound pretty 'Mer'can. For NFL kickers to become helpful to their team again, we need to go back to foreign kickers like in the old days. We need these guys:
2. Brett Favre — Congrats on the win. But your biggest accomplishment this weekend was re-inforcing your brand as a total a—hole by running up the score on the Cowboys. The next step? Wrangler Window-Pane Jeans! The clear plastic in the seat let's people actually see your a—hole!
3. other sports — What a crap weekend of football games. The first three games were blowouts, and the last one was just bad football. I'm sure I'm not the only one who kept switching over to the men's figure skating championships, am I right? If the Jets really want respect, they'll dress like swans.
4. Kim Kardashian — Hey! Looks like your boyfriend might not be a massive bust after all. Yay! Just a regular bust. (Like yours. It's your ass that's huge.) Anyway, if he can stay in the news a few more years, it can only help your career which is … I don't know. But I'm sure you're very talented at it. And to make that happen, you need to help Reggie succeed. For example, it's going to be hard for him to run this week against Minnesota's line without some help. Have you considered asking your sister Khloe to play left tackle?
5. NORV! — ZORN! didn't even last two weeks past its namesake's dismissal. It's not that ZORN! failed. It's just that something better (or worse, depending on how you look at it) came along … something that has been there all along. And here's the good news: the Chargers just extended Norv Turner's contract through 2013. No, seriously. That means NORV! isn't going anywhere for a long time. Just like the Chargers in the playoffs. NORV!
1. Wade Phillips — You lost, but you are keeping your job. That's a wash. But what bumps you into the Loser category is that we all know how it ends for you in Dallas. We've seen this movie before. One more postseason exit and Jerry Jones is going to tie Jason Garrett to a tree, and then make you strip down.
2. Curtis Painter — Had the Jets met everyone's expectations and made a quick exit from the playoffs, your Week 16 sucktastrophe would have slid further into our collective memory. But no, they had to advance all the way to the AFC Championship Game to play the Colts … again. Now everyone will be talking about Week 16 again and how awful you were/are. Worse: not only do the Jets have tape on Peyton Manning from the first half, but if they get nervous before the game and need to relax, they can flip on your performance and laugh away those butterflies. You're doomed, Painter.
3. America — Kurt Warner, Derrick Mason and Ed Reed all plan to go Brett Favre on us this offseason with a tortured decision on possible retirement. Oh, joy. Yippy. Every player now wants to see what his funeral would be like. They want to basically fake their death, hear everyone say how great they are … and then come back. The only problem is that all the media coverage makes me want to actually kill myself.
4. San Diego Police — Forget the possible abuse of power seen in this video from Sunday.
You're a police officer in San Diego and you can't manage to stay in shape? Did it rain that one day last year you were planning to exercise, officer?
5. Jets fans — They took their Massive Stereotype Tour on the road again this week, this time all the way to San Diego, where I'm sure they saw that a large segment of the population dresses JUST LIKE THAT! However, in their defense, these fans have been consistent over the years. For example, last year when Brett Favre was the Jets quarterback, many Jets fans dressed up as white trash.