NFL Conference Championships: Winners and Losers

WINNERS
1. Awesomeness — There are things that make you feel lucky to be alive. Like … I don't know. I guess some people would say witnessing the birth of a child. I'm not sure I'd agree. I doubt that compares to a season-ending Brett Favre interception. Maybe if my child was born and then thrown through the air by Brett Favre into the waiting arms of a defensive back in the waning moments of a playoff game. And I would hope that defensive back is also a nurse. Because I'm not a monster.
2. Garrett Hartley — Finally. A kicker made a kick. The interesting thing about Hartley is that he missed the first four games of the season due to a suspension for using an illegal substance. He says he took Adderall to stay awake on a drive from Dallas to New Orleans. I guess we have to believe him. But I had no idea kickers slept. I thought they were like hummingbirds or those little teacup dogs. You know, their hearts beat about 1,000 times a second and they just shake until their life mercifully ends one day when their heart explodes. But apparently they're like normal people. They probably even have a feelings, too. Which is good news, because now heckling them will be that much more fun.
3. Mark Sanchez — Not a bad showing in the playoffs, Mr. Sanchez. You proved a lot of people wrong — including your old college coach who thought you were stupid for going pro. Shows what he knows. That guy needs to stay far, far away from the pro game, am I right? Oh? Really? The Seattle Seahawks? Yeah, still not really the NFL.
4. Sears — The first commercial that ran after the Saints won was the Sears/Favre commercial in which the salesman implies he might not go to Miami and Favre says: "What's that supposed to mean?" Awesome. [It's supposed to mean you suck in the playoffs, Brett.] Couldn't have been better timing. I will now shop at Sears exclusively for schadenfreude. They earned it.
5. Adrian Peterson — No, not that one. The bad one. The one on the Bears. Who is … I guess … now the good one? Weird.
LOSERS
1. Jay Feely Jay Feely seemed to have his career turned around. But you can't be an a—hole without karma inevitably sticking it to you.
2. Revis Island — Revis Island remains the untainted paradise we've all heard about. But the problem is you have to travel through some absolute slums to get to Revis Island — namely, the rest of the Jets' secondary. It reminds me of the one time I went on vacation to St. Thomas. Driving from the airport to the resort in the resort shuttle, I was surprised by all the poverty and felt bad about being there to enjoy myself. It kind of ruined the resort for me. Until I had my first rum runner. Then I was cool with it.
3. Kim Kardashian — Where were you on Sunday? Did you learn nothing at media whore finishing school? Your guy is playing in the NFC Championship Game before tens of millions of people and you're nowhere to be found? You let one deranged, lovestruck stalker keep you away? It's good you're not the football player. Guys like Brett Favre have to deal with entire media rooms full of deranged, lovestruck stalkers every week.
4. America — On Twitter there are things called Trending Topics. They show the 10 most talked about things on Twitter at any given moment. During Sunday's NFC Championship Game, "Farve" was a Trending Topic through almost the entire game. Even above "Brett Favre". Really. "Farve". America: You are retarded. (No, don't worry. That didn't offend anyone. As no one can read.)
5. America — You know why we love those Brett Favre interceptions so much? Because they give us strength to get through the rest of the year. Here's Favre before the NFC Championship Game to FOX's Pam Oliver on retiring: "Even if I do [know], and I probably do know, I wouldn't say." Oh. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha. Ha. Ha-ha. Ha. Please fall off your tractor and into the blades.


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