Marcus Jordan Demands All UCF Faucets Run Cool, Crisp Gatorade

The University of Central Florida has begun a $350 million plumbing overhaul on its campus that will flow fresh Gatorade through every water fountain and faucet at the school. The move was prompted by Michael Jordan's son, Marcus Jordan, who wants to drink Gatorade while playing basketball for the Knights.
"It's the least we could do for Marcus," said UCF president John C. Hitt. "We will have to cut several academic departments and hundreds of jobs to finance this Gatorade plumbing project. But we think it's worth it. This is Michael Jordan's son we're talking about. Michael Jordan! That guy was awesome."
The 6-foot-3 freshman shooting guard has already forced the school to drop a $3 million deal with adidas due to his insistence on wearing Nike. And with the adidas deal ended and the Gatorade plumbing project about to break ground, UCF is ready to take several other steps to satisfy Jordan's offspring. The dining halls will serve nothing but Ballpark Franks and McDonald's starting in the fall semester, and no underwear but Hanes underwear will be allowed on campus following spring break.
"I can't even be in the same room as Fruit Of The Loom underwear," says Marcus Jordan. "I break out into hives. Emotional hives."
UCF is hoping to finish all of the projects as quickly as possible so the young Jordan can feel comfortable and focus on his game.
"I assume he's only averaging 5.3 points per game right now because he's not surrounded by all of his father's products, right?" said President Hitt. "Soon he'll start playing all Jordan-y? Please? I really hope we're not doing all this for some kid who's no better than a walk-on. I honestly had no idea we even had a basketball team here at Central Florida until he enrolled."