Handicapper: NFL Week 17

1:00 p.m. ET
Indianapolis at Buffalo (-8)
After pulling their starters last week against the Jets, Dallas Morning News columnist Rick Gosselin opined that the Colts had "violated the public trust." Jeez. Just imagine what this guy would say if he watched the Bills regularly.
My pick: Buffalo
Jacksonville at Cleveland (-1.5)
Eric Mangini could win his fourth game in a row today. I don't know if he's the Mangenius again, but he's improving. Maybe he's the ManG.E.D.
My pick: Cleveland
Chicago at Detroit (+3)
It's 10 degrees in Detroit today. But it's much warmer where the Lions play. (I think the Lions play in hell. All the time. For eternity. And it's the only thing on TV.)
My pick: Chicago
San Francisco at St. Louis (+7)
As long as the Rams don't blow this and win, they'll have the No. 1 pick in the draft and the opportunity to take Ndamukong Suh. The Nebraska defensive tackle will really help a line that has been hurt by the lack of production from former 2008 No. 2 overall pick Chris Long. If the quality of Chris Long's career so far could be made into a movie, it would look something like this:

My pick: San Francisco
Pittsburgh at Miami (+3)
Steelers linebacker LaMarr Woodley got some headlines this week by saying the Patriots and Bengals would lose to lesser opponents this week to keep the Steelers out of the playoffs. I agree. The Steelers lost to a ton of lesser opponents this year to keep the Steelers out of the playoffs, and they're one of the classiest organizations in sports.
My pick: Pittsburgh
New York Giants at Minnesota (-9)
Adrian Peterson really needs to stop fumbling. If he keeps turning the ball over, we can't fully enjoy Brett Favre's annual late-season collapse. Pick up your play, Purple Deacon!
My pick: New York Giants
Atlanta at Tampa Bay (+2.5)
Matt Ryan's completion percentage and quarterback rating are well off his rookie year numbers, and he has thrown more interceptions despite missing two games. He definitely experienced a sophomore slump. It could be because, like a lot of sophomores, puberty is really starting to kick in and he's struggling to concentrate.
My pick: Atlanta
New Orleans at Carolina (-7)
Mark Brunell is getting the start today over Drew Brees. I had no idea Brunell was still in the NFL. And he's the backup quarterback on a team that hopes to win the Super Bowl? Huh. I also had no idea that the Saints don't have a general manager or anyone in their front office who evaluates players. Shows what I know, I guess.
My pick: Carolina
New England at Houston (-8)
Bill Belichick has informed Tom Brady that he will be playing. But don't worry, Patriots fans. Belichick has also alerted the league office of this decision, so all Texans defender will be outfitted with electronic shock collars and will be put down if they get within five yards of the S.S. Dreamboat.
My pick: New England (and to win)
4:15 p.m. ET
Philadelphia at Dallas (-3)
The winner gets the NFC East crown. But regardless of the outcome, I'm sure Andy Reid and Wade Phillips will both be wearing a crown by the end of the day:
http://www.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/2157893/BKCrown_Full.jpg
My pick: Philadelphia
Kansas City at Denver (-13)
Denver no longer controls its own destiny. And I don't mean just the team. The city, too. Life is empty and you're all going to die.
My pick: Kansas City
Baltimore at Oakland (+10.5)
Tom Cable has been outspoken recently in saying that the Raiders would be in the playoffs if not for JaMarcus Russell. Well, sure. Ten whole pigs would still be alive if JaMarcus Russell hadn't eaten them last night. But it doesn't change the fact that they're dead.
My pick: Oakland
Green Bay at Arizona (-3)
There's a very good chance that the Packers and Cardinals could play in Arizona next week in the first round of the playoffs. So don't expect them to reveal much in this game. That includes you, Leinart. No one wants to hear the story about the time you and Nick Lachey got all f'd up on Twisted Teas and started wrestling and maybe made out a little bit.
My pick: Arizona
Washington at San Diego (-4)
Oh, Jim Zorn. How we'll miss you. What great times we all had together. You being incompetent. Us making fun of your incompetence. It won't be the same without you. Actually, that's not true. We can just look across the field. Hi, Norv Turner! Ready for another go?
My pick: San Diego
Tennessee at Seattle (+4.5)
Chris Johnson needs 128 yards to reach 2,000 on the season. With how bad the Seahawks have been playing, I'm confident he can get it on Tennessee's first drive.
My pick: Tennessee***
8:20 p.m. ET
Cincinnati at New York Jets (-10)
This is the last game in Giants Stadium. The new stadium, Meadowlands Stadium, is going up across the parking lot. So, yes, the New York Jets and New York Giants will still play in New Jersey. Even worse, all the cement in the new stadium was made with New Jersey guido hair gel.
My pick: Cincinnati (and to win)

Last week vs. spread: 7-7-2

Last week just winners: 11-5
- – – – -
Season vs. spread: 125-109-4
Season just winners: 164-75
- – – – -
***Lukewarm Locks last week: 3-1

***Lukewarm Locks season: 18-16


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