Handicapper: Conference Championships

Let's focus on the keys to the game for each team in Sunday's conference championship games.
3:05 p.m. ET
New York Jets at Indianapolis (-7.5)
>>> Colts key to the game: Limit the destructive influence of Donald
"Goddamit, Donald! What the hell are you thinking?"

"How could you not expect our left tackle to get beaten immediately by legendary Ravens linebacker … umm … it says here that No. 95 on Baltimore roster is Jarret Johnson. How could you not expect that?! It's Jarret Johnson! He's great! You've ruined the play, Donald. You've ruined EVERYTHING. If Marvin Harrison was still here, I'd have him shoot you right in your stupid face."
>>> Jets key to the game: Help Mark Sanchez
Yes, the Jets can't put the game in Mark Sanchez's hands. That's obvious. But he needs way more help than that. Let's start with his diet. Check out this article from the New York Post:
"10 things you didn't know about Mark Sanchez:"
"6. Eats at Taco Bell every chance he gets."
What the? Taco Bell?! Sanchez's great-grandparents moved to the United States from Mexico. He probably grew up around great, authentic Mexican food. And he likes to eat at Taco Bell???
This is not good. Not good at all.
Take a look at this Twitter post from John Calipari. Olive Garden?! Really? Olive Garden? An Italian guy digging Olive Garden.
We have a serious problem on our hands. Americans with Mexican heritage love Taco Bell. Americans with Italian heritage love Olive Garden.
Jeez. I'm more ethnic than these guys.
My pick: Indianapolis***
6:45 p.m. ET
Minnesota at New Orleans (-3.5)
>>> Saints key to the game: Get the ball to Reggie Bush
Bush finally exploded in New Orleans' divisional round win against the Cardinals. So the Vikings have had to come up with a game plan for how to stop him. So far it doesn't sound like the have much:
"We'll have a plan that doesn't involve us pooping our pants." — Chris Kluwe, P, Vikings
Sooooo … I guess that's a place to start. Be on guard, Bush. If the Vikings realize that they can still poop themselves, only after removing their pants, allowing the poop to fall onto the field, which will then cause you to slip and fall on their feces as you cut across the field, you are doomed. It's Football 101.
>>> Vikings key to the game: Try to be less loathsome
As though rooting for Brett Favre to fail wasn't enough, there's your stupid dome, your stupid Viking horn, your pederast coach and your douchebag defensive lineman. Then you inspired Prince to compose the worst song ever. Oh, wait. Breaking news. This just in. Prince's song somehow isn't the worst song ever. It's this one (h/t KSK):

Sweet Lord. In all of that FAIL, the worst part may be at the 1:00 mark. Oh. Wow! You hit Drew Brees after he got a pass off. That's the best clip you could pull from Madden, a game you have full control over? Yeah, this is a fan base used to failure.
One last thing. Despite all I said about the Vikings and their fans, please refrain from making personal attacks about the people in that video. They can't help the way they look. And they don't even look that bad. The lead singer doesn't even have man boobs. At least I don't think he does. Man boobs don't sit that high. I think those are collarbone tits. Very rare. Cherish them.
My pick: New Orleans

Last week vs. spread: 1-3

Last week just winners: 1-3
- – – – -
Season vs. spread: 137-121-4
Season just winners: 178-85
- – – – -
***Lukewarm Locks last week: 0-1

***Lukewarm Locks season: 18-18


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