It's Adrian Peterson. Running back for the Chicago Bears.
How are you all enjoying the NFL playoffs? Fun? Entertaining?
Well, f**k you all. I bet you're not enjoying them as much as I am.
And, yes, when I said "f**k you all" I meant you specifically. You. Reading this right now. F**k you. I don't mean "you" in the general. Well, I do. But also specifically you. F**k you.
Oh, please. Don't look at me like that. I'm not stupid. I know you've made those lame "he's the BAD Adrian Peterson" jokes for the last few years. Hilarious! They almost went over my head but then I figured it out — I SHARE THE SAME NAME AS THE ADRIAN PETERSON ON THE VIKINGS! Clever! And he was considered an elite running back so — Alacazam! — I became a punchline. Wow. You are a comedic genius. Really. You should go on tour, f**kface.
Well, who's the joke now?
You're big into stats, right? You love all the gaudy rushing totals the Vikings' Adrian Peterson puts up. Well here are some stats:
My career yards per carry average: 4.1
His career average for fumbles in an NFC Championship Game: 3.0
Ask anyone in football this question: Game on the line. Late in the game. You need to run out the clock and can't turn the ball over. Which Adrian Peterson would you feel more comfortable handing the ball to?
Easy answer. It's me.
F**k you all. He's the punchline now, not me. Go f**k yourselves. Use one of the footballs that Adrian Peterson of the Vikings fumbled. There are plenty to go around.
Adrian Peterson (the "good" one)
ED NOTE: SportsPickle has been contacted by Chicago Bears security as they are concerned that you might not realize that this article is a fake. Really. However, the fact remains that Bears Peterson > Vikings Peterson.
F**k you all — by Adrian Peterson, RB, Bears