Bengals Unable to Find Someone Shitty Enough to Play Mark Sanchez in Practice

The Cincinnati Bengals are hard at work preparing for their upcoming playoff game against the New York Jets but are having trouble finding someone shitty enough to play QB Mark Sanchez in practice, says Coach Marvin Lewis.
So far, the closest they’ve been able to come to mimicking Sanchez poor decision-making, terrible footwork and inaccurate passing has been offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski’s 13-year-old son.
“It’s been a challenge,” said head coach Marvin Lewis. “Sanchez is a unique player and it’s very difficult to simulate his particular skill set. We tried using our backup quarterback, J.T. O’Sullivan, but even he possesses a rudimentary knowledge of coverage schemes and blitzes, so he wasn’t the right fit. Right now it’s up to Timmy Bratkowski, who has a fairly similar skill set, though he’s not as much of an airhead.”
Aside from O’Sullivan, the Bengals tried using receiver Chad Ochocinco, fullback Jeremi Johnson, and left tackle Andre Whitworth, but none could match the unique combination of confusion and clumsiness Sanchez has displayed during his rookie campaign.
“Chad was a bit too athletic and aware to play Mark,” said Lewis. “And Jeremi, our fullback, had too accurate an arm. Andre was the closest because he had terrible pocket presence and a frantic, confused demeanor, but he still wasn’t dumb enough to stare down every receiver he threw to. But we knew this was going to be challenging going into it. The one thing we have in our favor is that Mark throws about three passes a game.”
If all else fails, Lewis has suggested blindfolding O’Sullivan and binding his feet together.
“It’s something we’ve thought about,” he said. “But in the end, we’re probably just going to stick with Timmy and take our chances. Everybody basically knows how to defend Sanchez anyway. You load up against the run, take away the short pass, and leave Braylon Edwards wide open in the end zone, praying that he throws it to him.”
Some Bengals players have suggested a different way to simulate the Mark Sanchez experience at quarterback.
“Have somebody stand there and hand the ball off,” said Chad Ochocinco. “That’s all you have to do. We don’t really need to ‘prepare’ for their passing game because it’s basically non-existent. Which reminds me – our quarterback hasn’t been so hot this season either. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Jets were using Mark Sanchez to simulate Carson Palmer.”