Tiger Woods’ latest statement (first draft)

TIGER COMMENTS ON CURRENT EVENTS:Including health care, Afghanistan and Jon & Kate!
by Tiger Woods
I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my hearton. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves, however big my family may be; this Tiger doesn't often wear a leash, if you know what I mean. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect (for instance, what the F—K was I thinking leaving voice mails and sending texts to that skank I was doing? That leaves a trail, dumbass!). I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone. But please, read on.
Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete (well, golfer), I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. These a-holes are way tougher than the guys at Golf Digest!For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. Whether a man is beaten about the face by his golf-club wielding wife is PRIVATE!The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. It was painkillers.Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect. Really. I'm kind of a prick.
But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. You don't hear me going to the tabloids about Phil Mickelson's abortion. Yeah, he's a woman. Like you didn't know.I realize there are some who don't share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one's own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions. Press releases should be reserved for exciting business news! Check back later today for a release announcing my new line of Nike edible underwear!
Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us and my corporate sponsors alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult. It's the same with how I make my women get tested first before I sleep with them. I WILL NOT BUDGE ON THIS!
I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology. Maybe I can still be like Gandhi one day???