SportsPickle is in Windermere, Fla., for non-stop coverage of the story of the decade/century.
Check back all day for LIVE UPDATES.
(Note: latest updates below.)
9:58 a.m. —BREAKING: Uniformed man seen making delivery to Tiger Woods residence. Divorce papers? Bomb? Wait… no. It was his mail.
10:07 a.m. —BREAKING: Cute female in Tiger Woods' front yard. Small. Daughter? Or midget mistress?
10:14 a.m. —BREAKING: Cloud spotted moving over Tiger Woods' residence. Nimbostratus. Gone now. Still … NEWS!
10:22 a.m. —BREAKING: Nothing happening outside Tiger Woods' residence. Suspicious. Murders inside??? Stay tuned …
10:29 a.m. —BREAKING … Source: Tiger Woods is snoring and is not wearing shoes. Also, he is in bed. Who sleeps this late?
10:37 a.m. —BREAKING: I have been outside the wrong house this whole time. Guy who lives here is a periodontist. F'ing MapQuest.
10:39 a.m. — BREAKING: Now hearing he is just a regular dentist. Why the lies?
10:43 a.m. — BREAKING: Have appointment scheduled for next Thursday. First time I've been to a dentist in a few years. Scared!
10:47 a.m. — BREAKING: So this periodontist is reportedly a member of — get this! — a GOLF CLUB. This story has layers upon layers upon layers.
11:03 a.m. — BREAKING: Believe I am now outside Tiger Woods' actual residence. It was the one directly across the street from where I was. The one without all the TV vans and reporters camped outside of it.
11:17 a.m. — BREAKING … Source: "Tiger Woods" is not even his birth name. That's right. He has an alias. Birth name reportedly "Eldrick."
11:27 a.m. — BREAKING: Am currently running background check on Tiger Eldrick. No matches yet. Is he off the grid? Tricky. Serial killer? This is Florida. Maybe he is like Dexter.
11:29 a.m. — BREAKING: Am talking to nearby reporter about Dexter season finale. She think he's going to get caught. Dumbass! It's the season finale, not the series finale.
11:50 a.m. — BREAKING: Elin Woods' mother, Barbro Nordegren, is back at the house from the hospital. Source: "Barbro" is not a made up name like "Tiger." Skeptical.
12:04 p.m. — BREAKING: Hearing rumors that Tiger Woods/Tiger Eldrick had a fling with Barbro Nordegren and Elin Woods (nee Nordegren) is his daughter. No denial yet from the Woods camp.
12:14 p.m. — BREAKING: In fairness, I haven't asked the Woods camp about the rumor yet. Still, though: no denial. Suspicious.
12:19 p.m. — BREAKING: I am going in on some pizza with some other reporters who are here. Hoping to get a Tiger Woods scoop from the delivery guy. A nice tip should do it.
12:34 p.m. — BREAKING: $50 tip gets me this bombshell … Tiger likes pepperoni pizza. I repeat: Tiger Woods likes pepperoni pizza. Please credit SportsPickle on this EXCLUSIVE!!!
12:42 p.m. — BREAKING: For another $50 I get this out of the kid: Elin Woods likes chicken and veggies on her pizza. Is this marriage doomed?
12:51 p.m. — BREAKING … Source: "I think you have the wrong number." Confusing. Some sort of code? Or did the Woods' camp get to my source? And why did he talk just now like an old woman with a Spanish accent? VERY confused.
12:53 p.m. — BREAKING: As though this story couldn't get worse for Woods, TMZ is now reporting that he had sex with a horse. (Link shockingly SFW.) Mistresses was one thing. But bestiality? Oh, Tiger Woods.
1:00 p.m. — BREAKING: 1998 PGA and British Open champion Mark O'Meara also lives in this neighborhood. I bet that guy gets crazy ass.
1:06 p.m. — BREAKING: A source just sent me this photo of O'Meara and an unidentified woman. I don't know of a relationship with O'Meara, but I think we can safely assume Woods had sex with her, what with the fact that she has long hair and a vagina (presumably). That makes her totally his type.
1:14 p.m. — BREAKING: A bird just landed on the branch of a tree that rises close to the second story windows on the west wing of the Woods' residence. It sat there for 10, maybe 12 seconds. Then flew away. What horrors did it see inside that scared it away? If bird lands near me, I will try to ask it.
1:26 p.m. — BREAKING: The get-well notes for Barbro are starting to pile up at the front gate of the residence.
1:48 p.m. — BREAKING: Still doesn't seem as if there is anything go on inside the residence. Someone is potentially taking a very long time with their murders. Covering all their steps, I guess. But I'll be here when they try to leave the scene.
1:50 p.m. — BREAKING: No sign of that eyewitness bird, by the way. I hope it's not chirping to another reporter. (Yes, that was a forced pun. I'm usually a golf reporter.)
2:09 p.m. — BREAKING: Barbro was suffering from stomach pains. No known cause yet. Thankfully it was not a leg injury or they would have had to put her down.
2:26 p.m. — BREAKING: I wish I could describe to you how boring it is to stand here all day and not see one glimpse of Tiger. I would compare it to watching a golf tournament that doesn't include Tiger.
2:33 p.m. — BREAKING: TMZ is reporting that Elin Woods is in the house! HOLY F#@KING SH DO YOU HEAR ME? The resident of a house is in their house! BOMBSHELL!
2:34 p.m. — BREAKING: I am now receiving word that Elin Woods has made a few calls. THE CALLS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE! REPEAT! THE CALLS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!
2:39 p.m. — BREAKING: I can now confirm that several of the other residents of this neighborhood are ALSO currently inside their homes! In the middle of the afternoon on a weekday! Do these people not work? How do they afford these homes? Are they all living off of Tiger hush money? Further investigation needed!!!
2:52 p.m. — BREAKING: Elin Woods has a twin sister. She is single. Niiiiiiiiice.
3:09 p.m. — BREAKING: I can't confirm this, but according to one source (my common sense), Tiger has had sex with Elin's twin sister. Will Elin attack her with a golf club? Or will they just wrestle? More importantly: can anyone get it on film. I will pay anything for this totally awesome … exclusive.
3:10 p.m. — BREAKING: That bird is back. And it crapped on my windshield. Dammit. YOU OWE ME AN INTERVIEW NOW, BIRD!!!
3:15 p.m. — BREAKING: BOMBSHELL! Elin's father, Sveriginbro, has arrived at the home and is threatening to SHOOT TIGER WOODS! SportsPickle now takes you to an EXCLUSIVE live video feed!
3:29 p.m. — BREAKING: As though the bird doodying on my windshield wasn't bad enough, Tiger just came out to the edge of his property and, no joke, defecated on my face to try to get me to leave:
3:44 p.m. — BREAKING: I am incredibly sorry about those last two videos. They are not true. It turns out I was hallucinating. Had a bit of an Ambien/painkillers contact high from being beside Tiger Woods' property all day. This will NOT happen again. My promise!
3:47 p.m. — I can't lie. I am still so high right now.
3:50 p.m. — That was like a zebra having sex with itself. Zebras live in Africa. Where there are Tigers. Tiger has sex with everyone. So. Fuh. King. Deep. Wuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh.
3:52 p.m. — I'm going to try to do it with this TMZ reporter. There's an exclusive in my pants!Wuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh. Chestnuts. I love chestnuts.
(STAY TUNED AND KEEP REFRESHING FOR MORE ALL DAY)
4:05 p.m. — EDITOR's NOTE: SportsPickle has just learned that our reporter on the scene is passed out, snoring and shoeless in the street outside Tiger Woods' home. We apologize for any transgressions he has committed and ask that you respect his privacy.
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