Short play: "Tim Donaghy’s Book Signing"

Scene:A Barnes and Noble store in Manhattan. Tim Donaghy sits behind a folding table signing copies of his NBA expose, "Personal Foul." A dozen or so customers stand in line waiting to have their books signed.

Donaghy: Thanks for coming. I hope you like it.
(hands book back to customer; the next customer comes forward)
Donaghy: Is there anyone you want me to sign this for?
Customer 2: Yeah, it's for my husband. My dear Vinny. He knew Vito who knew Tommy who knew your guy and, well, he made a lot of money off of you. He's a big fan.
Donaghy: Well, great. I'm glad I could help. I hope he likes the book.
(hands book back to customer; the next customer comes forward)
Customer 3: Hi.
Donaghy: Can I sign this for anyone in particular?
Customer 3: No. Just me. Tara.
Donaghy: Okay, then. "To Tara" it is.
(hands book back to customer; the next customer comes forward)
Customer 4: Can you sign this for Tim? He's my brother. He lives in Sacramento and is a big Kings fan. He loves you because you confirmed that their 2002 series with the Lakers was rigged.
Donaghy: That's great. And it definitely was rigged. Here you go: "To Tim: Sorry the NBA is rigged – Tim Donaghy."
(hands book back to customer; the next customer comes forward)

Donaghy: Hi there.
Customer 5: Hello.
Donaghy: You know, you look kind of familiar. Do I know you?
Customer 5: Of course not. I have no relation to you in any way.
Donaghy: Actually, you know who you look like? David Stern. But in a ridiculous disguise.
Customer 5: That's absolutely absurd. Real people wear a mustache and glasses like this all the time.
Donaghy: I guess. Well, who do you want me to sign this for?
Customer 5: David.
Donaghy: David?
Customer 5: Yes. David. David … STERN! AND I WANT YOU TO SIGN IT IN YOUR OWN BLOOD! SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
(Stern stabs Donaghy repeatedly in the neck using an arm of his prop glasses. He then cuts off Donaghy's face, removes his disguise, and places Donaghy's face over his face and begins the signing again.)
Donaghy/Stern: Who is next?
Customer 6: Umm … what just happened?
Donaghy/Stern: What are you talking about?
Customer 6: I just witnessed a murder.
Donaghy/Stern: Absurd. Now, who do you want me, Tim Donaghy, to sign this to?
Customer 6: Umm … me.Kevin.
Donaghy/Stern: Great. "To Kevin: Enjoy this work of 100-percent fiction. That's right. None of it is true. Sincerely, Tim Donaghy."
(hands book back to customer)
Customer 6: Thanks. But the murder.
Donaghy/Stern: Also fictional. Like the book.
Customer 6: But his body is laying right there beside you.
Donaghy/Stern: That's a cardboard cutout. It's part of the display.
Customer 6: His face is cut off. There's blood everywhere.
Donaghy/Stern: You're holding up the line. Next!
END SCENE


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