Scalpers Latest to Allege They’ve Been F–ked by Tiger Woods

Just weeks after revelations about Tiger Woods’ numerous marital infidelities rocked the golfing world, a number of ticket scalpers to PGA Tour events have come forward with allegations that they, too, have been f—ked by the world’s number one golfer.
“Royally f—ked,” said Marcus Todd, a 44-year old scalper from Marana, Ariz. “I’m sitting here on four dozen passes to the WGC-Accenture Match Play Championship in February, and all of a sudden this dickhead’s taking a hiatus? You know how hard these things will be to move if Tiger’s not playing? And even if I do sell ‘em, I’ll be taking a bath. This guy has really reamed me something fierce.”
Woods announced on December 11th that he would be taking an indefinite leave from golf to “focus [his] attention on being a better husband, father, and person.” Experts have predicted that this could have drastic economic consequences for the PGA, including a marked decrease in sales of tournament passes. And while Woods typically only plays between 15 and 20 events each season, scalpers worry his absence could affect attendance numbers across the board.
“Most of these Johnny-come-lately golf fans, they don’t know nothin' about the PGA,” says Gaeten Lafleur of New Orleans, who scalps tickets to The Zurich Classic of New Orleans. “They hear that there’s an event in town, and they just show up assuming Tiger’s playing in it. Truth is, he’s never played The Zurich. And if they didn't ask, I sure as hell didn't tell. But now? Everybody who’s walked by a People magazine in the drug store knows Tiger’s taking time off, and God knows for how long."
"I guess I was sort of banking on him always being there to lean on. I feel like such a fool."
Woods’s indeterminate absence has even worried scalpers of tickets to the four majors, which traditionally sell out regardless of who is playing in them.
“The Masters accounts for 20-percent of my income each year,” says John-Albert Griffinmilk of Columbia, Georgia. “But if [Woods] skips it, who knows? It might mean I'll have to bust my hump up and down the East Coast to PGA and Nationwide Tour events all summer. Time I would normally be spending with my kids."
"I can deal with Tiger f—king me. But my family? That's just cold."
While the scalpers' allegations are just the latest f—ked-by-Woods claims, it appears they might be far from the last. Rumors continue to swirl that a Nike branding executive, a golf caddy from New Zealand, and men-who-cheat-on-their-wives-when-they-say-they-are-out-golfing could all come forward with their own stories as early as the weekend.