Report: John Lackey getting physical from Red Sox because they’re a bunch of perverts

Free agent pitcher John Lackey will undergo a physical for the Boston Rex Sox today, not due to any concerns about his health, but just because the team wants to "poke around down there, see his junk, see how big it is, check him out naked, that sort of thing. Maybe take a few pictures and post them online," said team physician Dr. Frank Manchedo. "I require a physical of all new players or prospective players. Also, all new team employees or prospective employees. Interns, too. Especially interns. It's my policy. Because it gets me off. I like getting people naked and then making them do things for me. Bend over, cough. Put on this gimp mask and slap me. I am very thorough."