NFL Week 16: Winners and Losers

1. Jim Sorgi — Peyton Manning's longtime backup gets paid handsomely to do absolutely nothing. But this year he somehow got hurt doing that absolutely nothing. Perhaps he nodded off and fell into his stack of cash, giving himself a series of paper cuts. I don't know. What I do know is that meant Curtis Painter had to fill in on Sunday with 16-0 on the line. And Curtis played like he hails from a long line of painters, not quarterbacks, ruining the Colts' shot at an undefeated season. So it looks like Sorgi's job of not doing anything will not be threatened by this painter. Congrats, Jim. Take yet another day off.
2. Tom Brady — You used to be known as the quarterback who blew a perfect season. That had to be a heavy weight to bear all by yourself. That heavy weight also probably wrinkled your $1,200 shirts. But now Curtis Painter can share some of this notoriety. Maybe he'll also agree to take over your responsibilities as secretary of the Mediocre Big Ten Quarterbacks Association.
3. Curtis Painter — So, yeah, football clearly isn't a career option and, as mentioned, he'll have to fall back on that painting career. But only for now. He has a big future. Really big. Painter was born in Illinois and grew up in Indiana. But if he can learn a British accent, I think he has a career playing villains in movies. Look at those eyes. Classic movie psychopath.
4. Giants Stadium — Yes, the Giants sucked it up to miss out on the playoffs in their final game in the cement ring. And, yes, the Jets have their final game at Giants Stadium next week needing a win in primetime to make the playoffs. And, being the Jets, they'll probably fail miserably, too. But consider this: one week to go before you'll never have your walls pissed on again.
5. All of us — Thanks to this. He learned it from watching you, Shockey. He learned it … from watching … you.
1. Keith Brooking — Yeah, I don't really have to explain why he finds himself in this category:

Yeah, it's that haircut. But the pathetically awful speech doesn't help either.
Who's the ginger McQuistan that comes in at the end? I think he was standing off to the side like this guy saying: "Worst. Motivational speech. Ever." (I imagine that McQuistan had a rough childhood. "Hey, McQueefstain! Nice hair!")
2. John Fox — Nice job keeping Matt Moore on the bench all season in favor of Jake "One of the Worse Quarterbacks Ever" Delhomme (sometimes nicknames need to be more descriptive than clever), thereby killing your team's playoff chances. Even Jeff Fisher thinks you are too loyal to crap quarterbacks. Oh, what's this? North Carolina resident Bill Cowher wants to coach again? Ooh. Tough break for you. Maybe Fox can takeover Cowher's part-time job as bandwagon siren jockey:

3. Randy Moss supporters — After his three touchdown performance against the Jaguars, Moss admitted his recent performance against the Panthers in which he was accused of loafing "wasn't too hot." So everyone who came out in support of Moss after that game, yeah … you're dumb. But don't feel bad. We already knew you were.
4. Subway Jared — Not only did your beloved Colts lose, not only are you still fat, but you're no longer the only crap food diet spokesman. That's right, Taco Bell has a girl now. And she's much more pleasant to look at than you. Best of all: she's not one of the most annoying people in the world (after only Michael Strahan and Justin Tuck).
5. Peyton Manning — This is why player-coaches can't work in the NFL. He clearly wanted to be in the game and go for 16-0. Why delegate a decision that big to his assistant, Jim Caldwell? You only have yourself to blame, Peyton. There goes my vote for you for Coach of the Year.