1. Tommy Kelly — There are two Tommy Kelly's in sports. One is the former Twins manager who won two World Series titles and happily retired in 2001 at the relatively young age of 51. Also, we never saw his ass. The other is Tommy Kelly of the Raiders. He plays for the Raiders. And we've seen his ass.
So the winner here, of course, is Tommy Kelly: Twins edition. Because he was never associated with the Raiders.
2. Benjamin Brady — Our prince has a name! The son of Thomas Edward Brady, Jr. and Gisele Caroline Bundchen finally has a name: Benjamin Brady! I can't wait to see the movie about his life, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Brady." It will be about a boy whose father lives his football career backwards, going from calm, cool champion at the beginning of his career, to a loser who's prone to rookie mistakes at the end. And, like the movie with the similar name, it will take nine years to watch.
3. Cleveland Browns — Joshua Cribbs, Jerome Harrison … the Browns might actually have some hope! And if they're smart, they'll install an offense to utilize Cribbs and Harrison more. Call it the Not-Brady-Quinn-Cat. Sounds pretty successful to me.
4. Matt Moore — You outplay Brett Favre on national television, you become your team's de facto starter. Of course, when you play for a team whose other quarterback is Jake Delhomme, if you don't die or become paralyzed on national television, you should become your team's starter.
5. Karma — You think Jeff Reed is this generation's "idiot kicker"? Sadly, no. Take Reed's hair, place it inside a person's head where the brain should be, and you have Jay Feely, moron extraordinaire. If you ever wondered what Sarah Palin might sound like if she was stocky and not very good at sports, you need to follow Jay Feely on Twitter. This week on his Twitter page, on the day Chris Henry died, Feely decided to Tweet that Henry basically had it coming. So it was enjoyable to watch on Sunday as karma mishandled a hold on a Feely attempt, pushed another kick wide right, and blocked a third — essentially ending the Jets' playoff hopes. Regardless of political bent, I think we all can agree that Jay Feely is a massive douche. And that if he gets cut, he had it coming.
1. NBCEEIT — Any time there is a close call or replay during Sunday Night Football, NBC dials up their NBCEEIT "technology", a series of massive and extremely blurry photos which are extremely helpful if you are looking for inconclusive evidence. Yet we get Andre Kremer in full 1080p. No wonder NBC is going down the toilet.
2. Gus Johnson — Sorry, Gus. I don't get your allure. You are the boy who screamed wolf. Well, you were the boy who cried wolf. Then yesterday you compared JaMarcus Russell to Johnny Unitas. So now you are the boy who cried: "HEY! LOOK AT ME! I'M A COMPLETE MORON! AND I SHOULD BE RELIEVED OF MY JOB AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!"
3. Mike Tomlin — Your stock has plummeted since the Super Bowl. Not too many people are big fans of your decision to try an onside kick with the lead and 3:58 left in the game. You clearly need to enunciate more, as it seems you accidentally unleashed "What the hell?"
4. Randy Moss — Randy Moss is 32. He is a 12-year veteran. And he makes $9 million a year. And yesterday Moss received effusive praise from announcers for … appearing to try. Randy Moss, MY HERO!
5. Santa — The Tiger Woods case showed me that no one can be trusted. And I'm on to you, Klaus! Don't think I don't know about you and all your goddam WHORES, FAT MAN!