NFL Week 14: Winners and Losers

WINNERS
1. Patriots fans — Great news! Your team's hard-fought win on Sunday over the mighty Panthers at home means the Patriots have improved to 8-5 on the season. And last year they were 11-5. So … if I add the two together … that makes 19-10! OMG! Pull out your 19-0 t-shirts and add a "1" with with the piece of tape that used to stick your Randy Moss poster to the wall! There. Now you can finally wear that shirt with pride. Greatest 19-10 team EVER.
2. DeMarcus Ware — Not only did he not get paralyzed on scary hit to the head (always a positive weekend), he flashed a "W" sign as he was getting carted off the field to show he was okay. I don't know what the "W" meant. It could have been for "Ware" or "west side" or maybe when he was unconscious he dreamt that he found Waldo. I don't know. What I do know is that he raised the bar for future players with neck injuries. No longer is it okay to just give the thumbs-up. You have to do it with style. By the way, future neck-injured, there's a free SportsPickle t-shirt waiting for the first player to go down in an opponent's stadium, receive applause while getting carted off, and then show you have movement by giving the finger to the fans. That would be awesome. In fact, screw the t-shirt. That earns you a SWEATSHIRT!
3. Indianapolis Colts — Congratulations on your NFL record 22 consecutive regular season wins! To put in perspective how many that is, that is 20 more than the other current streak you have going, the one that actually matters (and the one that anyone cares about): 2 consecutive postseason losses. Wow! Amazing!
4. Brandon Marshall — Congratulations on your NFL record 21 catches in a single game! Fun fact: Marshall was targeted 28 times in the game! That's right: 28. Ridiculous. Even Tiger Woods doesn't try to get it into one person that many times in a day.
5. Cats stuck in trees in the Philadelphia metro area — Andy Reid briefly left the earth's crust before crashing back down. The resulting tremors surely freed a cat or two. Or, who knows, maybe even dislodged some drugs from someone's rectum.

LOSERS
1. Aaron Rodgers — He had a nice run the past two years, but it's all downhill from here on out. In his postgame press conference, Rodgers was wearing a tiny hat. Do you hear me?! A tiny hat! Like this one. Or this one. And once an NFL quarterback feels comfortable enough to look that ridiculous in public, they have nowhere to go but down. We saw it with Brady and Romo. Style trumped substance. Football was secondary. On the bright side, Rodgers now gets to nail pretty much any high-profile trollop he'd like in any size, from your Jessica Simpson all the way down to your Gisele. So that's nice.
2. Chicago Bears — Jay Cutler threw two interceptions on Sunday, giving him 22 for the season. That's the most by a Bears quarterback since Johnnie Lujack threw 22 back in 1949. Just as the Bears predicted: Jay Cutler will rewrite the team's record book.
3. Mark Ingram — Congratulations on winning the Heisman! Now that that's over, it's time to forecast how awful you'll be in the NFL. I think you'll struggle to start on a team and will eventually be used primarily as a fullback and to sell tickets. Wait, I'm sorry. That's what I wrote for Tim Tebow winning. Let me get back to you on Mark Ingram.
4. Green Bay Packers — Ideally you want your star linebackers to remind you of say, Jack Lambert and Jack Ham. Or maybe Lawrence Taylor and Harry Carson. Not that A.J. Hawk and Clay Matthews aren't good players. But they remind me more of these guys:

5. Dallas Cowboys — Perhaps you have heard: they don't do so well in December. But the Cowboys organization is taking steps to remedy that. On Sunday on the massive HD video boards there was a 3-D display. It did not go over well. Next week? Zero-D. Cowboys fans just stab themselves in the eyes and don't have to watch their team suck again. Zero-D should be much more popular.


Advertisement