1. Atlanta Falcons — Good news, Falcons players! It doesn't matter how poorly you perform on the field. It doesn't matter if you kill animals. It doesn't matter if you go to jail. It doesn't even matter if you screw over the entire organization with your off-the-field activities. You'll still be loved by many people in Atlanta! If only Joey Harrington had thought to back over a cat or something, he'd be in the team's Hall of Fame.
2. Eli Manning — The New York media was being mean to him again. The red hot Dallas Cowboys were coming to town. The Giants' playoff hopes were in the balance. This is where great quarterbacks have to step up. So Eli came out and hit on 11-of-25 passes and the Giants … somehow won! Yay, Eli! Also, he signed his name on the wall of the locker room after the game. In cursive! His third grade class only learned cursive last week. Yay, Eli!
3. St. Louis Rams — Another game, another loss. You have the inside track for the No. 1 overall pick … the No. 1 overall pick in a draft that now includes Jimmy Clausen. That's right, people of St. Louis, this time next year you might get to punch Jimmy Clausen any day of the week. Over the Arch, douchebag!
4. Mercury Morris — Whew! That was close! I never thought the Titans would lose again. Barring that 0-6 start, they appeared flawless! FLAWLESS, I say!
5. E.J. Henderson
"What?" you ask. "How does a guy's leg snapping in half and then pin-wheeling over his body make him a winner?" Sigh. That's right: Sigh. You people have no long-term point of view. No vision. This horrific, vomit-inducing injury is just the thing WE'LL LAUGH ABOUT ONE DAY when E.J. Henderson is healed and playing again. Assuming I'm done vomiting by then. What does a break take — six to eight weeks? It's going to be close.
1. Bill Belichick — So Charlie Weis decided to tell the world that Pete Carroll is banging some grad student in Malibu. Just imagine what this fatass has on Belichick. And I don't think it will be hard to get Weis to talk. He doesn't need truth serum. A deep-fried ham bribe should suffice. Belichick, to keep him quiet you'll have to raise with a chocolate-coated deep-fried ham. Get thee to a lardery!
2. Cincinnati Bengals fans— The Bengals are surprisingly good this year. And good for them. But over the past two decades they've been neck and neck with the Lions as the NFL's laughingstock. What makes fans stick with an abysmal team year after year after year? Could it be that they're stupid? Could be. Stupid enough to hold a sign that could easily mean they sit in a row full of flatulence? Is anyone that stupid?
3. Josh Freeman — Speaking of stupid, here's Tampa Bay's rookie quarterback after throwing five interceptions in a loss to the Panthers: "That's just completely unacceptable. I want to play in this league a long time. Guys that throw a lot of picks usually don't last." Whaaaa? Guy, look across the field to the other sideline. See Jake Delhomme? All he does is throw picks and he's been gainfully employed as a starting quarterback for the past seven seasons. In fact, he signed a huge contract extension in the off-season after making six turnovers in a playoff game. Six! That's one more than you had, Freeman. What is wrong with your mind? Is the Delhomme Virus now also attacking the brains of opposing quarterbacks? It's a pandemic!
4. Washington Redskins — You actually have to feel a little bad for Jim Zorn after that out-of-nowhere loss to the undefeated Saints. He might not be a great head coach, but he seems like an okay guy. At the same time, you have to feel pretty great that happened to Dan Snyder's team. So, let me total up all of my feelings about the Redskins-Saints game … let's see, carry the two, have it ripped away from me by Robert Meachem and returned for a touchdown … and, yeah, I feel pretty good about that outcome!
5. college football — Yeah, I know this is an NFL football column. But the BCS sucks. Sticking TCU and Boise State in a bowl together so there's no way either one of them could embarrass a big conference team is the most corrupt thing I've seen since … since … since … since Roger Goodell destroyed all of the SpyGate evidence so "no one could break in and steal it." Hey! That's an NFL reference! What a save! I RULE.