Mercury Morris Hoping Your Marriage Falls Apart

Former Miami Dolphins running back Mercury Morris stated today in a nationally-televised interview today that he hopes your "whore wife" leaves you so that your precious marriage fails, leaving him as the only happy person in America.
"It's nothing against him personally," Morris said about you. "But I really enjoy being happily married and this is something I want to keep for myself. A great marriage means more if you're the only person to have one. That's obvious."
Morris then went on to say that even if your marriage does last, it pales in comparison to his and the struggles he went through to make it work.
"He's ugly, for one," said Morris. "It's not hard to stay married when no one else wants to have sex with you. He's lucky he has a marriage to begin with. Same with his wife, Lard Pants or whatever her name is. She would leave him in a minute if anyone would take her. By the way, Lard Pants, if you're watching, I'll take you if it gets you away from him and ends your marriage. Or I'll give you to Jim Kiick. He was always into fatties."
Morris, a member of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins, also said it's a lot easier to stay married these days than back when he was getting hitched.
"Oh, man, the seventies were something else," he said. "Just free, casual sex anywhere you wanted it. There were times when I returned a kick, came to the sidelines and fell knee-deep into poontang. I'm talking high-quality poon, too. We would use our timeouts just to push the hot, naked women off of us. And women kept themselves in shape back then. Now everyone is fat and you have the AIDS and women wanting you to use condoms … no wonder this guy is staying married. And even if he does stay with his wife, he'll know deep inside that he's not really as happy as I am."
When contacted by a reporter, Morris' wife, Sheila, said their marriage is indeed built to last.
"I sleep around on him, he doesn't know, and I get to live in a nice house," she said. "No way I'm giving this up. Oh, by the way, ever year when Mercury and all the '72 Dolphins get drunk on champagne together after the last undefeated team goes down, they usually start talking about how awesome it is that no one knows they were on steroids."