Handicapper: NFL Week 16

1:00 p.m. ET
Buffalo at Atlanta (-9)
We have only two games left in the Terrell Owens Era in Buffalo. If he's going to single-handedly destroy the team's chances at a winning season, he better get crackin'!
My pick: Atlanta
Kansas City at Cincinnati (-13.5)
In the hustle and bustle of the holidays, some things slip through the cracks. That's why I want to commend USA Today for their cover headline last Monday — "Another heartbreaker" — in regards to the Bengals losing to the Chargers after Chris Henry's death. That is some impressive work. Even epic prick Jay Feely usually needs 140 characters to write something that stupid.
My pick: Cincinnati
Oakland at Cleveland (-3)
The Raiders are getting there. They are not anywhere near the Commitment to Excellence level, of course. But on the Commitment to Excrement to Commitment to Excellence scale, I'd say they're around the middle — about Commitment to Existentialism. They know their seasons are still meaningless. But they'll make the best of them.
My pick: Cleveland
Seattle at Green Bay (-14)
Since it appears that the Mora's become worse and worse coaches as the family line extends, it's quite obvious that Jim Mora, III will be the worst coach ever. That's why I've started working on a screenplay, inspired by Terminator, in which fans from the future come back to the present day to destroy the Mora line. So far I have "Time travel?! You want to talk about time travel?" And I'm stuck there.
My pick: Green Bay***
Houston at Miami (-1.5)
The loser of this game will likely see their playoff chances end. The winner, too. Because the winner might make the playoffs and … well, these are mediocre 7-7 teams. The playoffs are not kind to such teams.
My pick: Miami
Jacksonville at New England (-10)
Prediction: The Jaguars will have one of their biggest home crowds of the season this week.
My pick: New England
Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-14)
This talk of the Saints as "America's Team" is off the charts absurd. Fans of the Saints do not exist outside of the Gulf Coast. HOWEVER … that does not mean we all didn't suffer greatly from their loss last week. Because the Saints lost in a game in which Jeremy Shockey didn't play. So now Shockey can tell himself it was because he didn't play. And when douchebags lose, we all lose.
My pick: New Orleans
Carolina at New York Giants (-7.5)
Statistically, Eli Manning is having the best season of his career. However, on my Eli Manning Does (And Always Will) Suck Rating Scale, he still rates a perfect 164.3.
My pick: New York Giants***
Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-3)
People are suddenly shocked that with a win today the Steelers may very well control their playoff destiny. Duh! I was saying before the season even started that they controlled their playoff destiny. Sometimes it's exhausting to be so smart.
My pick: Pittsburgh

4:05 p.m. ET
St. Louis at Arizona (-14.5)
The Cardinals have looked like crap coming down the stretch. Looks like they're a lock for the Super Bowl again.
My pick: Arizona***
Detroit at San Francisco (-14)
It's been a tough week for Alex Smith. He threw a bunch of interceptions against the Eagles to end San Francisco's playoff hopes. And then TLC passed on his pilot "Little Hands, Big Job."
My pick: San Francisco
4:15 p.m. ET
New York Jets at Indianapolis (-4)
The Colts plan to rest several injured starters. Whereas the Jets plan to play all their starters. Which pretty much ends their chances. You know, what with Mark Sanchez being a starter.
My pick: Indianapolis
Denver at Philadelphia (-7)
Playing in Philadelphia is big for Broncos safety Brian Dawkins — or B-Dawk as he is called. And that's understandable. Of course he would feel a great bond to a city that bestowed upon him such a creative nickname. I still don't understand what it means. But it's PLENTY CREATIVE!
My pick: Philadelphia
8:20 p.m. ET
Dallas at Washington (+7)
It's pointless for me to even attempt to top comedic genius like this:

My pick: Dallas***
Monday night
Minnesota at Chicago (+7)
Let's just relax about this Brett Favre, Brad Childress thing. It could be a lot worse. For example, in Chicago, Jay Cutler keeps audibling to interceptions.
My pick: Minnesota
Christmas Night
San Diego at Tennessee (-3)
You might not want to watch this game with kids around. Philip Rivers strikes me as the kind of guy who would love to tell kids that Santa doesn't exist. Yes, because he bears a striking resemblance to this guy.
But more because he just seems like a dick.
Or maybe I have this all wrong. Maybe Rivers isn't The Grinch. Maybe Rivers is the one who was tormented by The Grinch. The Grinch Who Stole A Proper Throwing Motion. Philip Rivers was the quarterback of Whoville and The Grinch stole his throwing motion leaving him with crap. But then The Grinch saw Rivers still put up big numbers by throwing that way, as well as Vince Young winning with his motion, and learned that there is more than looking good to playing quarterback. Yes, that must be it. How heart-warming.
But still, don't let any kids watch this game. Heart-warming or not, you really don't want them to throw like that.
My pick: San Diego (and to win)

Last week vs. spread: 6-10

Last week just winners: 11-5
– – – – –
Season vs. spread: 118-102-2
Season just winners: 153-70
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***Lukewarm Locks last week: 1-0

***Lukewarm Locks season: 15-15