Handicapper: NFL Week 13

1:00 p.m. ET
Philadelphia at Atlanta (+5.5)
Michael Vick says he expects to be cheered on his return to Atlanta. Perhaps during all of his legal problems he legally changed his name to Michael Boourns Vick.
My pick: Philadelphia
St. Louis at Chicago (-9)

My pick: St. Louis
Detroit at Cincinnati (-13)
I don't always want to poke fun. So let me commend Cincinnati's Tank Johnson for offering three free tickets to this week's game via Twitter. In the end, Johnson decided to give them to a military vet. There's nothing to criticize there. Assuming Johnson isn't befriending the guy just to have a contact he can use to get military-grade weapons.
My pick: Cincinnati
Tennessee at Indianapolis (-6.5)
It drives me insane that people are giving Jeff Fisher any credit for Tennessee's turn-around. He was the one who stuck with Kerry Collins all the way to an 0-6 start. He only went to Vince Young when he was ordered to by Titans owner' Bud Adams. But then I'm not surprised. Fisher has a history of sticking with things long after he should. If Adams doesn't step in, Fisher will die with that '80s hair-sprayed mullet/mustache combo.
My pick: Tennessee
Denver at Kansas City (+4.5)
Josh McDaniels hasn't been seen since screaming that F-bomb on the NFL Network on Thanksgiving night. Because the Broncos haven't played since then. But also because he was grounded by his parents.
My pick: Kansas City
New England at Miami (+4)
The Patriots have struggled to stop the wildcat offense. But it's only the wildcat offense and pro-style offenses that give them troubles. So they should be fine.
My pick: Miami (and to win)
Oakland at Pittsburgh (-14.5)
This used to be a rivalry. A rivalry that was marked by the "Immaculate Reception." But now it's time the Raiders give some payback. Because every time they make a reception it's miraculous. Pittsburgh can't match that.
My pick: Pittsburgh
New Orleans at Washington (+9.5)
I always get the "Who dey" and the "Who dat" cheers mixed up. "Who dat" is Saints, right? And so I guess "Who dey" is Bengals. But what about "Whom dat"? Harvard or Yale?
My pick: New Orleans***
Tampa Bay at Carolina (-5.5)
Jake Delhomme is out with a broken finger. I think it's the one he's been giving to Panthers fans his whole career.
My pick: Tampa Bay
Houston at Jacksonville (PK)
Both of these teams need a win to stay in the playoff chase … before getting eliminated in a few weeks anyway because they're not all that good.
My pick: Houston***
4:05 p.m. ET
San Diego at Cleveland (+13)
Rumor has it that Charlie Weis will become the offensive coordinator in Cleveland. If that happens, it will really tilt the field towards Cleveland's side.
My pick: San Diego***
4:15 p.m. ET
Dallas at New York Giants (+2.5)
The Giants are still pissed that Eli Manning signed his name on the wall at their new stadium. But they need to relax. Dumb kids color on walls all the time. It's actually quite impressive Eli knows how to spell his name.
My pick: Dallas
San Francisco at Seattle (PK)
Seattle's general manager got canned this week. It's hard to list all of his terrible moves in a concise way. So I'll just say this. If you could make several years' worth of personnel decisions into a jersey, it would be Seattle's neon green abomination.
My pick: San Francisco***
8:20 p.m. ET
Minnesota at Arizona (+3)
Good try on the speeding, Adrian Peterson. But you're still much slower than Chris Johnson.
My pick: Minnesota
Monday night
Baltimore at Green Bay (-3)
The Packers plays the Ravens and Steelers in the coming weeks and will play a major role in determining which AFC North teams make the playoffs. More of a role than the Browns will, at least.
My pick: Green Bay
Thursday night
New York Jets "at" Buffalo (+2.5)
Hi, Canada. Hope you are well. I don't know if you follow our football league. But we have a game up there tonight. Full disclosure: I don't follow your CFL very closely. I know a few things. And I know that the NFL is different. For example, NFL players don't wear rouge.
Anyway, to help you enjoy the game more, here are a few storylines to keep an eye on.
1.) The Jets are having New York Yankees manager Joe Girardi teach Mark Sanchez how to slide. And thank God! I watch a ton of football every Sunday for my various NFL-related duties, and I have noticed that poor sliding is one of Sanchez's biggest problems. In fact, it's probably his second biggest problem right after turning the ball over on every possession. But I digress. Joe Girardi is the perfect person to teach someone to slide. In his 15 seasons as a major league catcher, he stole 44 bases. So I think his advice will be: "Just run until your knees give out and then fall to the ground." Well done as always, Jets. You remain a model franchise.
2.) Fired head coach Dick Jauron has been edited out of the Bills' team photo. At least that's the story. But I'm not buying it. I have seen Jauron. He was quickly going from pale to translucent. So I am sure he's in that photo. Somewhere. I'm positive. Unfortunately, he must naked because I don't see any floating clothing. Gross, Dick. Gross. Ewww. Wait. I don't see any floating pubic hair either. So Dick Jauron shaves down there? I did not need to know that.
3.) Canada, if you enjoy the Grey Cup, then you will enjoy this game, too. It's equally pointless.
My pick: Buffalo (and to win)

Last week vs. spread: 9-6-1
Last week just winners: 9-7

Season vs. spread: 98-75-2
Season just winners: 119-56

***Lukewarm Locks last week: 0-0
***Lukewarm Locks season: 12-9