Elin Woods Taking Indefinite Leave of Absence from Tiger’s Penis

Elin Woods, wife of golf superstar Tiger Woods, announced this evening in a brief statement that she will be taking an indefinite leave of absence from her husband's penis.
"After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from providing my body, hands or any of its orifices to Tiger," read Elin's statement. "And it will remain that way until he becomes a better husband, father and person. And then once that's accomplished, I'll add on another six months to a year. Just to remind him he's a prick and needs to treat me better."
The announcement came two weeks after a car accident that set in motion a shocking downfall for the world's No. 1 player, which has included sordid allegations of numerous extramarital affairs.
"I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my not putting out will cause Tiger, especially because he won't be getting it anywhere else ever again, or I'll kill him," continued the statement. "This will not be easy on anyone, even myself, as I will also be missing out on getting laid. But I'm sure I will derive much greater pleasure from watching Tiger suffer. In fact, I'm positive."
Mrs. Woods also requested privacy for her family at this time.
"This is something we need to work through alone," read the statement. "Although, fine, if you want to invade our privacy, go right ahead. You're not going to see anything. It's just going to be Tiger sleeping on the couch and me glaring at him in silence for, well, probably forever."