Bad oysters have Urban Meyer contemplating retirement again

"Oh, God. Oh, no. Linda! Linda! Call Florida and tell them the retirement is back on. I feel like crap," Urban Meyer yelled to his wife early this morning while bent over the toilet, alternating between vomiting and having diarrhea. "I can never coach again. Never! Stupid oysters. It's just me and my family from now on." Meyer's wife said the couple went out to dinner last night at a Gainesville seafood restaurant and her husband had a plate of oysters, even though they had a weird smell and texture. "I told him not to eat them, that it would only lead to another quickly aborted retirement," said Linda. "But he wouldn't listen. He's a very determined man, especially when it comes to football and oysters. He loves oysters." After Mrs. Meyer called Florida and told them of her husband's re-retirement, she was forced to phone them back 10 minutes later to say that her husband would only be taking a brief leave of absence. "After I puked it all out I felt a lot better," said Meyer. "I'll be back on the sidelines in the fall — as long as I don't eat any more bad shellfish, of course. Or drink milk. I am lactose intolerant. Gives me the squirts."