Christmas is almost here. Many of you may be done all of your shopping, but chances are you still need a gift or two.
Well, you're in luck! Here are some great last-minute gift ideas for the sports fan on your list.
1. Utility infielder — Great for the baseball fan who has everything! Utility infielders aren't too expensive, take up very little space, hustle on every play, and usually don't care if you forget to play with them. Also, many are bilingual! (Chewing tobacco purchased separately.)
2. Complete crap — On a tight budget? Do not fear! Buy a complete piece of crap. Like, say … a plastic cup. BUT — now here's the trick — slap some sort of NASCAR sticker on it. Lookie there! You ain't got yourself crap no more! You got yourself a guldarn collectible!
3. Sports arena — If size isn't a concern, consider purchasing a sports arena. The Pontiac Silverdome in Michigan is the former home of the Lions and Pistons; it hosted a Super Bowl, NCAA Tournament games, the NBA All-Star Game, even World Cup matches. And it recently sold for $583,000. So it's off the market, but in this economy you can probably get any other sports venue in Michigan for that price or cheaper. Wait until you see the look on your loved one's face when you tell him his flag football league will now be playing all of their games at Ford Field!
4. "Training a Tiger: A Father's Guide to Raising a Winner in Both Golf and Life" by Earl Woods — Another great gift if you're on a budget! You can probably find this on any bargain rack or in any book store dumpster. And so what if no one has time to read books anymore? Just tell your friend to read the part about raising a winner in golf. The life part obviously doesn't have any good tips.
5. Shake Weight — From tennis and golf, to baseball and hockey, your active sports fan needs strong forearms. So buy them the Shake Weight! But do not be fooled by imitators. Such as the Masturbator 5000. Or the Practice Whack. Or the Giant Vibrating Dildo.
6. Football snack helmet
It looks like a regular football helmet, but lift off the top and — voila! — it's has a compartment for holding chips and dip! The one pictured here has chips in it. But I like to fill my football snack helmet with guacamole. It reminds me to be grateful that the players I'm watching are suffering debilitating concussions for my entertainment. Thanks, fellas!
7. Customized Fathead
Think you need to be a famous athlete to get a Fathead? You are wrong! WRONG! Now you can upload any picture and have it made into a customized Fathead! Consider getting one done of your sports fan friend! It will be just like him. Only life-sized!
You're looking to buy a gift for a sports fan? What, are you gay or something? That's so gay, man. They just wanted to watch the game, kick back and have a few beers with you, complain about how their girlfriend doesn't get them, and jump up and down together and hug after a score. And maybe wrestle on the floor some with your shirts off. You know, if you're up for that. Your gift could totally gay all that up.
9. NFL shaft cooler
So maybe you do still get a gift. And after all that wrestling, your friend might need a shaft cooler.
10. Book an athlete appearance
Many sports stars are available for public appearances and, for the right price, would surely come over on Christmas morning. Interested in getting Darrell Waltrip? He's available for $50,000-plus. Too rich for you? Then how about Josh Davis for $5,000-$10,000? That gets you some guy who I never heard of, but apparently won some swimming medals 13 years ago. Awesome! Or, better yet, pop on over to Motivational-Celebrity-Speakers.com where they are still booking events for Kirby Puckett. Really. It's the magic of Christmas!