Rick Pitino Uses Veterans Day as Justification for Getting a Blowjob

Louisville head basketball coach Rick Pitino propositioned his secretary for a blowjob this morning and, when an assistant walked in and witnessed the sexual act being conducted, Pitino blamed the whole thing on Veterans Day and his distress over the many men and women who have fought and died for the United States.
"This is no different to me than September 11th," said Pitino, alluding to his explanation for a restaurant tryst in 2003. "Somber occasions make me want to fornicate. September 11th, Veterans Day — I did my neighbor's daughter after the final episode of M*A*S*H."
After hearing rumors of Pitino's actions this morning, Louisville athletics director Tom Jurich called the coach into his office to discuss the incident.
"I had it in mind to fire Rick," said Jurich. "It was one thing to nail some kid's mom who you just met on a restaurant table after hours while your assistant was asleep on the floor beside you. That time was because of 9/11, as Rick said. And it makes perfect sense. That time. But I probably wasn't going to buy the 9/11 line again. Then Rick made a lot of sense with what he said about Veterans Day. I can't condemn someone for how they choose to mark this day."
Louisville held a press conference following that meeting between Jurich and Pitino to get ahead of the story and prevent it from blowing up into a national scandal like the restaurant tryst/abortion drama from this summer.
"This is Veterans Day," Pitino scolded the media. "We have men and women overseas putting their lives on the line. This is life and death stuff. Some of them aren't going to walk through that door ever again. And you want to talk about me getting a hummer from a woman I pay a very competitive salary to? A woman who I make sure has very rich health benefits package in order to, you know … cover any procedures down there? It's despicable. You know that? You people are despicable."
Pitino then ended the press conference by walking away from the podium to fondle a female reporters breasts.
"Our men in uniform would give anything to be able to touch a sweet set of jugs like this right now," said Pitino, leaving the room. "How can you not realize that? Get your priorities in order, people!"


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