Pistons Hope Construction Of New Squalor Boxes Will Increase Revenue By 50%

Officials for the Detroit Pistons and the Palace of Auburn Hills announced today the construction of 300 brand newsqualorsuites located in the general vicinity of the Pistons home arena.
“We owe it to the fans of Detroit to field the most competitive basketball team possible,” said team GM Joe Dumars.“But we simply couldn’t do that at our current revenue levels.Our hope is that the construction of these newsqualorboxes will help us bring in more talent, and revolutionize the game viewing experience for our fans.”
A recent staple of newer arenas and stadiums,squalorboxes can help increase the average team’s revenue by 20 to 50-percent.To help pay the $100 million needed for the construction of the new boxes, the Pistons brokered a deal with Auburn Hills officials that included the issuing of municipal bonds, and a one-cent rental car tax increase.The Pistons will contribute $10 million of their own money.
“This is a fair deal for the city of Detroit,” said Auburn Hills mayor Edward “Fast Eddie” Scagdiviglio.“It keeps the Pistons here, and it helps bring economic prosperity to the area.Just wait until you see these babies.They’re awesome.”
The boxes are designed by renowned Kansas City architecture firm Populous, and will consist of a six-foot by six-foot cardboard box (“double corrugated,” notes Scagdiviglio), placed in an alleyway no more than three miles from the arena, designated the Stratus Level of the Palace.Fans will be able to follow the game by listening to radio broadcasts blaring from the numerous police cruisers speeding through the metropolitan Detroit area.Amenities of everysqualorbox include a free used Wendy’s bag with a small amount of ketchup smeared on the inside, along with a shoebox for urination and defecation.Season-long leases for the boxes will retail for $4,000.
“Our goal was, simply put, to give some of our lower tier customers the opportunity to see real NBA basketball up close, with their families, at a reasonable price," said Dumars. "And this deal accomplishes that.”
But many decry the advent ofsqualorboxes.Squalorsuite holder Jez Maroney says, “I think, for $4,000, I deserve a box that has ONLY my urine in it.They’re phasing out the REAL fans with these boxes.”Many have also decried the widespread NBA team policy that allows luxury box patrons to spit onsqualorbox patrons at their leisure.
But Dumars scoffs at those complaints.“The fans are always our number one concern.We know this is a public trust.And that’s why thesesqualorboxes and NVIP suites are so crucial to the success of our team and our city.”


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