Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick tried to lure Charlie Weis into quitting following his latest loss to Navy by presenting the Fighting Irish coach with a tempting offer of a triple-chocolate layer cake baked into the shape of a resignation letter, with all appropriate legal verbiage painstakingly written on top in icing.
“Charlie, just take this decorating gun, full of delicious vanilla icing, and sign your name at the bottom of the cake,” Swarbrick told Weis. “And then, I promise, you can eat the entire thing and be on your way.”
Notre Dame desperately wants to part ways with Weis, but can’t fire him without picking up the tab on his massive contract buyout. That reality led Swarbrick to hatch a creative solution during the fourth quarter when he happened to see some cake mix in his luxury box pantry.
“Charlie is on record as saying that he won’t quit as head coach,” said Swarbrick. “But he is also on record as saying he will never, under any circumstances, turn down chocolate cake. From the looks of him, I think his love of cake and other sweets will take priority over anything else in his life.”
Weis has yet to emerge from Swarbrick’s office, so no one outside of that office knows the fate of the embattled coach.
“There are really only two possible outcomes,” said Rev. John Jenkins. “Charlie wrote his name in icing on the cake and then devoured it and we have to begin the search for a replacement. Or he refused the cake and we’re stuck with his fat ass. The former is both more probable and preferred.”
But Swarbrick’s secretary fears a third outcome.
“As soon as Charlie stepped into Jack’s office, I heard a sound like a lion attacking prey, quickly followed by a muffled shout,” said Mindy Connor. “I fear Charlie pounced as soon as he saw the cake, as he is prone to do, and Jack got caught in between. I don’t know whether I should call 9-1-1 or send in the duplicate cakes Jack baked for Charlie to sign.”