NFL Week 9: Winners and Losers

WINNERS
1. Jim Caldwell — By starting 8-0 in his coaching career, Caldwell moved up in some pretty select company for most wins to start a career.
1. Wally Lemm: 10-0
2. Potsy Clark: 8-0
2. Jim Caldwell: 8-0
4. Barney Clark: 7-0
Of course, this also makes Caldwell kind of a loser. I mean, look at the other guys on that list … Wally, Potsy, Barney. All great hobo names. And Caldwell is just named "Jim." Pathetic. He doesn't deserve to be on that list until he also gets a hobo name. Or at least gives his current name a hobo flourish. Like maybe Chowder Jim Caldwell. Why Chowder? No reason. There doesn't have to be. You think those other guys had a great reason to be coaching in the hobo leagues of the 1920s and '30s? They just did what they had to do.
2. Steve Slaton — No fumbles this week. And it's all thanks to him trying the Tiki Barber method. That's where you create three pressure points on the ball. Slaton should know he can also use this holding method beyond football. For example, thanks to his approach, Tiki Barber himself somehow manages to hold onto his dignity every morning while interviewing chefs about shrimp stir-fry on the Today show. JOURNALISM!
3. San Diego Chargers — Philip Rivers is now 2-0 lifetime against Eli Manning, the quarterback he was traded for after Elisha and his father whined their way out of San Diego. And Shawne Merriman, one of the three players the Chargers drafted with the picks they got along with Rivers in exchange for Manning, sacked Eli on the final play of the game. I think that's called irony. Or is it? I'm not sure. Sometimes I honestly forget exactly what irony is. If irony = hilarious, then that's what I mean here.
4. Bucco Bruce — Great to see him again. Especially because the America of 2009 is a different place than the America of the '70s and '80s. Did you see Bucco Bruce and his partner have adopted a little Filipino boy? He's adorable. His name is Bucco Bitao.
5. Matt Leinart — One pass, one interception, and pulled from the game. Well done, Matt. Well done. That should teach Ken Whisenhunt. YO, DICKWEED! DON'T INTERRUPT ME TO GO IN THE GAME WHEN I'M HITTING ON CHEERLEADERS, BRAH!
LOSERS
1. Jake Delhomme — Yes, I know. Putting Jake Delhomme in the losers spot is getting tiresome. But this time it's not about his football skills, or lack thereof. No, there is something much more embarrassing about Jake Delhomme. I'll let Brian Billick explain with this audio from Sunday's game. My God. Jake Delhomme's testicles have yet to descend. Perhaps they were intercepted on their way down.
2. Andy Reid — You fat turd. As though Philadelphia fans don't suffer enough at the end of games already. Why not just have Brad Lidge play quarterback in the final minutes?
3. other fat turds — Andy Reid? Lost. Mike McCarthy? Lost. Charlie Weis? Lost. Mark Mangino? Lost. Ralph Friedgen? Lost. Not a good week for our heftiest coaches. I trust/hope that there is more than just one hot seat. And that they are reinforced. And, if not, for their safety, let's please replace the hot seat with a hot barge or hot cargo ship.
4. Steven Hauschka — Baltimore's young kicker is making a habit of missing late-game kicks. He missed a kick that would have tied the game at the end of regulation in Minnesota, and then missed another on Sunday against the Bengals that would have kept Baltimore in the game. On the Ravens, that will get you cut. Literally.
5. New England Patriots — Miami Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter said last week that there is "no question" that Tom Brady is getting favorable calls. After the game, Brady said those words motivated the Patriots all week. "It's really motivating," Brady said on WEEI Radio. "I think the guys take it to heart and the coaches take it to heart." Wait … really? So let me get this straight … the Patriots are motivated by the stating of fact? Huh. Well, suck on this Patriots: "The sun rises in the east." Oooooooh. Motivation. Now the Colts have no chance against them on Sunday.


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