NFL Week 8: Winners and Losers

WINNERS
1. Green Bay — You lost the battle, but won the war. By booing Brett Favre on his return to your fair hamlet, you struck a blow against the Cult of Favre and forced the NFL media to acknowledge there are some who do not love the be-stubbled man-child. Yesterday, we were all Green Bayers. (Green Bayians? Green Bayites? Fat? Lactose-tolerant? Whatever.) Well done.
2. Rams-Lions — Only one of these horrible teams could win, but they both played hard yesterday. In fact, I think it was the hardest-hitting game of the day. Probably because the players were trying to kill themselves.
3. Eli Manning — You were horrible on the field, but you learned a valuable lesson: eat too much Halloween candy the night before a big game, get a bellyache and play terribly.
4. gravity Still as strong as ever. Good to see that some things never change.
5. Jim Zorn — You proved your worth this week. You didn't have a game, yet you really did nothing different this Sunday than you do any other Sunday: you basically just relaxed. Redskins management will notice your consistency and dedication and reward you with a contract extension.
LOSERS
1. NFL rookies — With 84 receiving yards and a touchdown on Sunday, as well as a several long kick returns, Minnesota's Percy Harvin is running away with the NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year. That's nothing to be ashamed of. Harvin is a good player. But here's where the shame comes in. Percy Harvin's given name is William Percival Harvin III. Ha-ha, rookies. You're losing to the kid you used to shove in his locker.
2. The ladies — Tom Cable is knocking you around. (Reportedly.) That's bad. Almost as bad: You ladies are so desperate that you're dating Tom Cable. What the? Come on, ladies. You're better than that.
3. Adrian Peterson — Peterson had a good game yesterday. 97 yards rushing. But it wasn't anything remarkable. Only 3.9 yards per carry. It was his second consecutive game averaging less than four yards. In fact, in Minnesota's eight games this season, Peterson has cracked 100 yards only twice. He's on pace for 1,568 yards — half of the 3,000 yards some predicted for him. Peterson is obviously one of the best in the game. But he's not the "Purple Jesus" (as dubbed by Drew Magary). Maybe Purple Pope. Or Purple Associate Pastor.
4. Rex Ryan — After a 3-0 start, the Jets have lost four of five, including games at home to the Bills and Dolphins. Might want to help yourself to those complimentary sideline hot dogs while you can, Rex. You may not have a job for long. Or, worse, you could follow in this next guy's footsteps and end up in Cleveland.
5. Eric Mangini — This guy is clueless. And not just when it comes to football. So Derek Anderson obviously has naked pictures of you, Mangini, and that's why you keep playing him. But here's the thing you somehow aren't getting about blackmail. People actually have to want to look at those pictures. Have you seen yourself? No one wants to see you naked. You are disgusting. Just a depressing tub of a man. So stop worrying about the photos and play Brady Quinn. Or Joshua Cribbs. Or a plant. Or just have the center snap the ball backwards onto the ground and then dive on it for a five-yard loss every play. Just don't let Derek Anderson on the field ever again.


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