NFL Week 12: Winners and Losers

WINNERS
1. Vince Young — Vince Young owns Matt Leinart. The 2006 BCS title game and again on Sunday … both games won on a dramatic game-ending drive while Leinart can do nothing but stand on the sidelines and think to himself: "Nah, brah, nah." Vince Young completely owns him. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Young informs Leinart that he's the real father of his child. Actually, no. Leinart would probably like that.
2. The media — Vince-anity, inVINCEable. It's all back in play, baby. If Vince Young continues to play well and the Orlando Magic make a run in the playoffs again, the media may be able to mail in most every headline via pun between now and June.
3. Carolina Panthers — Jake Delhomme broke a finger. Best of all: it's on his interception-throwing hand. So you shall be free of Delhomme, Panthers fans. Now the bad news: Delhomme will finish his season with 18 interceptions. That will be enough for John Fox to say: "He only threw 18 interceptions! That's not too bad. He's our quarterback again in 2010." But you're thinking, "Those 18 interceptions came in just 11 games!" Ah-HA! See, now you're thinking logically. You must instead think like the guy who has started Jake Delhomme year after year after soul-crushing year.
4. Big East — Kenny Britt and Ray Rice of Rutgers had big days. LaRod Stephens-Howling, Clint Session, LeSean McCoy and Darrelle Revis of Pitt had big days. (And just being able to lay a hand on a few of Leinart's ducks earns Larry Fitzgerald a mention.) Louisville's Elvis Dumervil had two sacks and forced a fumble. West Virginia's Steve Slaton is back. Basically, what I'm saying is this: the Big East is a lot like people you knew in college who weren't all that popular. But, now, a few years later, they have better jobs, make more money and are married to hotter women. (Note: my analogy falls apart a bit in regards to the Mountain West and WAC conferences. I hear many of their players become polygamists, so the women comparison is unfair.)
5. Grey Cup — It was played on Sunday. I don't know who won. Anyway … hi, Canada!
LOSERS
1. Cris Colinsworth — Early in the Ravens-Steelers game: "Ray Lewis is killing the Steelers backs." Fine. I can see one slip of the tongue. But in the second half: "Ray Lewis has a little blood on him. It may be somebody else's." Wait … WHAT? How can you talk about Ray Lewis — a guy who fled a double murder scene in blood-spattered clothes and then ditched his outfit — and not maybe make a conscious effort to avoid the murder/blood spatter comments? But then, Collinsworth never was one to think before he speaks:

2. Prince — He was at the Vikings-Bears game. And he didn't appear to be having much fun:

Maybe he can team up with Jay Cutler to launch a new band called Prince and The New Pouter Generation.
ZORN!
3. Stylez White — He was in on three sacks against the Falcons. Great. Fine. But he's still a loser because his name is Stylez. Although I am the biggest loser here because I am about to post a third consecutive YouTube video in a row, a new low for the Internet. Enjoy watching Stiles from "Teen Wolf.":

Wait, I'm sorry … I found a clip of "Teen Wolf" in Spanish. Awesome. I place myself back in the winner category.
4. Cleveland Browns — Wide receiver Joshua Cribbs played some quarterback. Quarterback Brady Quinn played some wide receiver. Wide receiver Mike Furrey played some safety. Still, the Browns lost. Now, maybe if they tried head coach Eric Mangini at the unemployed position they might be getting somewhere.
5. Jim Caldwell — I think that's your name. Whoever you are. The guy coaching the Colts. You need to do a better job creating an identity so you can get some credit for the Colts' 11-0 start. Everyone thinks you are living off the success built by Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning. Everyone thinks you are boring, plain. You need to do something to get some attention. Have you considered crashing your SUV into a fire hydrant and a tree?


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