1. Kevin Boss, TE, Giants — Eli Manning still has yet to find a replacement for Plaxico Burress in the Giants office. So you stepped forward on Sunday with five catches for 76 yards and two touchdowns in a game your team had to win. Hats off to you. Of course, if it turns out you're a Nazi, I take it all back. And I hope you burn in hell for all eternity.
2. Dreamboats — The S.S. Tom Brady: 310 yards and a touchdown. The S.S. Brady Quinn: 304 yards, four touchdowns. The S.S. Matt Leinart: Well, at least he didn't almost blow a sure win this time. The S.S. Mark Sanchez: Hmm … well, he's terrible. Another five turnover game. But that means he's hot and a little bit naughty. Rawwwrrrrr! You know you'd let him turn you over. Oh, and Terrell Suggs: please stop complaining that Brady Quinn's chop block took out your knees. You know it was looking at him that made you weak in the knees.
3. Robert Meachem, WR, Saints — Two more touchdown catches yesterday. And two more catches yesterday. So, for the season, you now have six touchdowns on 16 catches. That's quite a touchdown-to-catch ratio. Why don't the Saints make you their No. 1 target? If you had 96 catches in a season, you'd have 36 touchdowns! That's incredible! (And don't tell me I'm misusing statistics. I learned last week that Bill Belichick made the right call — THE ONLY CALL! — because the numbers said so. You are a troglodyte for thinking otherwise. A TROGLODYTE, I say!)
4. New York Jets — So you got crushed by the Patriots and your season is pretty much over. Whoop-dee-doo. Everyone knows that your game earlier this season against the Patriots was your Super Bowl. And you won that game. So this game was your Pro Bowl. No one cares who wins the Pro Bowl. Congratulations on your world championship and enjoy the off-season.
5. America — The holiday season is upon us. Normally, that means you're going to get fat. But not this year. Because this year whenever you get the urge to eat, just check out this video of Bills lineman Eric Wood breaking his leg:
1. Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, Jaguars — He had 29 touches on Sunday and only one touchdown. That means he gave himself up 28 times this week — 28! — before going in the end zone. STOP KILLING MY FANTASY TEAM, YOU DICK!
2. Don Criqui and Randy Cross — CBS assigned you to call the Browns-Lions game. Wow. Clearly you are not thought of highly by your employer. And while I have nothing against Don Criqui, I'm glad Randy Cross is a failure. I never cared for his name and how it suggests sexual arousal over crucifixions. Pervert!
3. AFC North — Baltimore? Loses to the Colts thanks to The Unibrow Bomber throwing an interception when the Ravens were in range to kick a game-winning field goal.Cleveland? Loses to the Lions. The Lions! After having a 24-3 lead!Cincinnati? Loses to the Raiders. The Raiders! Pittsburgh? Loses to the Chiefs. The Chiefs! The AFC North? Worse than the AFC West. The AFC West!
4. Steelers Nation — There were huge sections of empty seats in the upper deck at Arrowhead Stadium on Sunday. You people can't even fill an opposing stadium anymore that's within a 17-hour drive of Pittsburgh? Your team loses a few games and you stop supporting them? I even heard a smattering of cheers in the stadium when the Chiefs won. You can't drown out an entire fan base in their home stadium anymore?Pathetic. Pa-thetic.
5. Larry Johnson — Two carries, five yards. And the Bengals lost. To the Raiders. And that's not even the worst of it. Then Johnson gets home, tries to relax, flips on Eagles-Bears and what does he see? A dude's butt.
Not a good day to be a washed-up homophobe.