MLB Rules Committee Unanimously Rejects Adopting Opposable Thumbs

On the heels of turning down rules in favor of instant replay, Major League Baseball’s Rules Committee today also shot down a proposal introducing opposable thumbs to the national pastime.
“Why game need thumb?” said Grok, one of the committee’s ten sitting directors.“Thumb no make game same.”
Opposable thumbs were originally introduced by committee member Urg, who felt that the evolutionary digits could possibly assist in both the catching and throwing of balls.“Balls hard grip,” said Urg in his initial proposal.“Thumb make ball hand good.”
Support for Urg’s proposal appeared to be strong at first, with committee members Fraab, Keeeeee, and Porl all in favor of the new rule.However, Grok’s passionate defense of the no-thumbs rule swayed several people, as did his promise of fresh bananas and available cave floor space.Three votes were taken over the course of the committee’s closed door session, and many anonymous sources say feces were hurled during the arguments.Ultimately, the traditionalists prevailed.
“This good day for game,” said a triumphant Grok to the press, while wiping his hairy, protruding brow with his abnormally long forearm.“Keep human element.”
Many players were also relieved to know they would not have to adjust to the new rule requiring thumbs.“Me no want new glove,” said Yankees outfielder Johnny Damon.“New glove have ghost.”
The rules committee also shot down a host of new proposals intended to update the game for modern fans, including properly running water in stadiums, outlawing spearing in the bleachers, and using proper English.However, committee members did vote to have Urg, who proposed most of these new rules, pressed to death under a large wooden plank weighed down with heavy rocks and boulders.
Commissioner Bud Selig was unavailable for comment.