Handicapper: NFL Week 12

1:05 p.m. ET
Indianapolis at Houson (+3)
I am playing a hunch here that the Texans are going to end the Colts perfect season. I also have a hunch that this is an incredibly stupid hunch. But you can only play one hunch at a time. Or so says the Rule of Hunches. At least that's my hunch.
My pick: Houston (and to win)
Washington at Philadelphia (-9)
Andy Reid running an offense while tryptophan is still in his system … this should be good.
My pick: Philadelphia
Miami at Buffalo (+3)
Bill Cowher turned down the Bills. Which is unfortunate. It would be awesome to see his spit turn to snow before hitting the face of his players. He would look like the Abominable Snowdragon.
My pick: Miami
Cleveland at Cincinnati (-13.5)
Eric Mangini accused the Lions of faking injuries last week to slow down Cleveland's no-huddle offense. Eric, they weren't faking injuries. They were falling down laughing.
My pick: Cincinnati
Seattle at St. Louis (+4)
Kyle Boller, boyfriend of Carrie Prejean, is getting the start for the Rams. You may recall that Boller also used to date Tara Reid. So Rams — remember — if Boller starts scratching his junk at the line of scrimmage, he's not calling an audible.
My pick: Seattle
Tampa Bay at Atlanta (-12)
Even though the Falcons are 5-5 and will miss the playoffs this year, you have to think they are hopeful about the future because Matt Ryan is probably having the second-best season of his career.
My pick: Atlanta
Carolina at New York Jets (-3)
A game like this has to piss off Lou Dobbs. Mark Sanchez, a terrible quarterback with Mexican heritage, is the starting quarterback for the Jets. In the old days, that job would have gone to a terrible quarterback with European heritage. Like Jake Delhomme, for example.
My pick: Carolina (and to win)
4:10 p.m.
Jacksonville at San Francisco (-3)
The Jaguars are sticking on the fringes of the playoff race thanks to a three-game win streak that has moved their record to 6-4. And Jacksonville is starting to take notice. At their last home game, the black tarps covering up the upper deck seemed full of spirit.
My pick: San Francisco
Kansas City at San Diego (-13.5)
With the Broncos winning, perhaps the AFC West race isn't over after all. Perhaps Josh McDaniels plans to own the Chargers on a layaway plan.
My pick: San Diego
4:20 p.m. ET
Chicago at Minnesota (-10.5)
The Bears and Vikings both acquired quarterbacks last spring. And Chicago clearly won out. Sage Rosenfels has done dick for the Vikings.
My pick: Minnesota
Arizona at Tennessee (-3)
Vince Young vs. Matt Leinart. Again. Maybe Leinart's team will win this time. I think they will. Because Kurt Warner will probably end up starting.
My pick: Arizona (and to win)
8:25 p.m. ET
Pittsburgh at Baltimore (+7.5)
Don't worry, Steelers fans. In college at Oregon, Dennis Dixon was every bit as good his senior year as Joey Harrington. And Harrington was a No. 3 overall pick. So … yeah.
My pick: Pittsburgh (and to win)

Monday night
New England at New Orleans (-1.5)
Suck it, England and Orleans. No one cares about you anymore.
My pick: New Orleans
Thanksgiving Day
12:30 p.m. ET
Green Bay at Lions (+11.5)
The Associated Press would like you to know that "The Lions have lost their touch on Thanksgiving." Really? You don't say? I look forward to new reports on how the Lions suck on other holidays. Or just really any date on the calendar.
My pick: Green Bay
4:15 p.m. ET
Oakland at Dallas (-13.5)
Bruce Gradkowski gets the start again for Oakland. And even if he struggles, he'll stay in the game because JaMarcus Russell is listed as Doubtful (eating).
My pick: Dallas
8:20 p.m. ET
New York Giants at Denver (+6)
Thanksgiving is all about tradition. For example, being thankful during the day. And, then, at night, getting pissed off that the relative you're visiting doesn't get the NFL Network. I mean, really. How can you be related to this people?
My pick: Denver

Last week vs. spread: 13-3
Last week just winners: 12-4

Season vs. spread: 89-69-1
Season just winners: 110-49

***Lukewarm Locks last week: 2-1
***Lukewarm Locks season: 12-9