Handicapper: NFL Week 11

1:00 p.m. ET
Washington at Dallas (-11)
The Redskins. What a joke! They're, like, the biggest punchline of the season! Also, they're three games out of first in the NFC East. Maybe we'll get to make fun of them all the way into the first round of the playoffs! Gooooooooomost overrated division ever!
My pick: Washington
Cleveland at Detroit (-3.5)
This game is blacked-out in Detroit. I supposed it will be on in Cleveland and … nowhere else. Whoever CBS assigned to call this game might want to consider other career options. For example, playing NFL football. I'm sure they could make either of these teams.
My pick: Cleveland
San Francisco at Green Bay (-6.5)
Alex Smith and Aaron Rodgers, two quarterbacks picked in the first round of the 2005 draft, meet for the first time. But how did they not meet at the draft? Rodgers was sitting there forever. It was rude of Smith to not swing by and say hello after his party was over.
My pick: San Francisco
Pittsburgh at Kansas City (+10)
Pittsburgh's secondary has some problems. Safety Ryan Clark has a rare blood disorder that could kill him if he plays at altitude. While fellow safety Troy Polamalu has a rare knee disorder that causes it to fall apart if he runs at any altitude. If the Steelers can get the rest of their games scheduled below sea level, they're still the Super Bowl favorite.
My pick: Pittsburgh***
Seattle at Minnesota (-10.5)
Jim Mora, Jr. sent the NFL a list of 17 complaints about the officiating in last week's game against the Cardinals. (Shocker: the Seahawks lost that game!) Amateur. This is why he'll never be the coach Mike Holmgren was. Holmgren would hold a rally at Qwest Field and complain publicly about being robbed. Let the whole world know you're a poor loser, Jim! Not just a few people at the league office. What's the point of that?
My pick: Minnesota
Atlanta at New York Giants (-6.5)
Dear NFL media: I know each year when Eli Manning goes two or three games without throwing an interception, you like to refer to him as one of the game's elites. And then, as always, he re-commences sucking and makes you look incredibly foolish. Like, every year this happens. Every. Year. It's quite a phenomenon. Anyway, for your own good, I just want to mention that Eli didn't throw any interceptions last week because the Giants had a bye week. So don't write or say anything about how good he is based on last week. You'll look even dumber than normal.
My pick: New York Giants
New Orleans at Tampa Bay (+11)
Could the Buccaneers knock the Saints from among the ranks of the unbeaten? Who knows. Stranger things have happened. For example: the New Orleans Saints are among the ranks of the unbeaten.
My pick: New Orleans
Buffalo at Jacksonville (-8.5)
Five seconds to name Buffalo's new head coach … GO! Okay, five seconds to name Buffalo's old head coach … GO! Okay, five seconds to name the NFL team that plays in Buffalo … GO! Wow. An 0-for-3 performance. But don't feel bad. I didn't do any better.
My pick: Buffalo
Indianapolis at Baltimore (+1.5)
Every yard Peyton Manning passes for in this game, every touchdown pass he throws, puts more and more distance between himself and Johnny Unitas atop the Colts' record book. Suck it, Baltimore. Suck. It. At least if you're going to steal a team from another city, do it the right way. Just think, Joe Flacco would already hold every passing record in Browns history.
My pick: Indianapolis
4:05 p.m. ET
Arizona at St. Louis (+9)
The Rams gave the Saints quite a test last week. Maybe this team isn't horribly bad. Just bad. They've earned the right to lose the adverbs.
My pick: Arizona
4:15 p.m. ET
San Diego at Denver (+6.5)
Kyle Orton is a game-time decision this week. But I think he's a game-time decision every week. The coach just looks around before kickoff: "Ah, hell. No one better showed up. Kyle? You're in again."
My pick: San Diego***
Cincinnati at Oakland (+9.5)
JaMarcus Russell has been told he's on the bench. But I think he'll still play. I mean, he was told before to play quarterback and he obviously never listened to that.
My pick: Oakland
New York Jets at New England (-10.5)
Rex Ryan brought a tissue box to his press conference this week. Get it? He's disarmingly self-aware! Mostly. If he was completely self-aware, he then would have done a few minutes of stand-up about how he's coached this team right into the toilet over the past month.
My pick: New England
8:20 p.m. ET
Philadelphia at Chicago (+3)
Donovan McNabb probably wants to put up big numbers in his hometown. That's why he should play defensive back.
My pick: Philadelphia***
Monday night
Tennessee at Houston (-4.5)
The main headline on the front ofUSA Today's sports section on Friday was: "QB Schaub ascends to elite of NFL." I don't really have a joke. I just find it interesting that some newspapers are turning to comedy to try to stay relevant. That's more competition for me. I'll have to raise my game. But it's going to be tough. USA Today has always had such succinct humor with their 97-word articles. I'm way more wordy. For example, this game write-up alone is akin to a 12-part USA Today investigative report.
My pick: Tennessee

Thursday night
Miami at Carolina (-3.5)
The Delhomme Virus. Or, it's alternate names:The Delhomme Syndrome or J1D7.
Let's trace it's history. Last January, Jake Delhomme turns the ball over six times in the divisional round of the playoffs against the Cardinals. Despite this terrifying showing, the Panthers do nothing. Delhomme stays. The virus grows stronger. Week 1 of this season — Delhomme: five more turnovers. His next five games, Weeks 2 to 7, bring nine more interceptions. The Panthers are 2-4. It appears Jake Delhomme is dying from the Delhomme Virus.
Then … IT MUTATES!
Week 8. Kurt Warner, one of the game's best, plays the Panthers. He turns the ball over six times.
Week 9. Drew Brees, a stats machine, plays the Panthers. He throws only one touchdown while fumbling twice and throwing an interception.
Week 10. Matt Ryan, one of the game's young stars, plays the Panthers. He throws two interceptions and posts a 57.4 quarterback rating.
The evidence is clear. The Jake Delhomme Virus can now leave its host and infect the opposing quarterback. Tonight's victim will be Chad Henne.
And what if it mutates again? What if it spreads to other positions? Then to the fans? Then across the nation?
When will the government step in and stop this? Thanksgiving is almost here. Our nation is at risk. Where is the vaccine? Our family Turkey Bowl games may not include a single completed pass!
May God have mercy on our souls.
My pick: Miami

Last week vs. spread: 6-9
Last week just winners: 7-8
- – – – -
Season vs. spread: 76-66-1
Season just winners: 98-45
- – – – -
***Lukewarm Locks last week: 1-0
***Lukewarm Locks season: 10-8


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