“A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You should see the look on all of your faces right now,” said Bill Belichick in the Patriots post-game locker room. “Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. ‘Oh, whoa is us. We lost. We were up 17 points in the fourth quarter to our rivals. Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo’ Ha! Losers. Outstanding. Here’s what you learned tonight: I made you. I f—king made you pathetic pieces of crap. And I can destroy you, too. And that’s exactly what I did tonight. Suck it. Suck. It.”
And with that post-game debriefing, every Patriots player learned the stunning truth: Bill Belichick had purposely sabotaged the end of the Patriots-Colts game in order to crush the spirit of his team for his own personal amusement.
“I have to get a picture of this. It’s just too sweet,” said Belichick, taking out a camera. “Come on. Everyone gather together for a team photo. Anyone who is crying get in the middle. Brady? Tommy Brady? Get in there. Someone get Brady up from in front of his locker and get him in the picture. I want that dandy to be front and center. Maybe I can sell it for the cover of a fashion magazine for losers. Oh, man. Yeah. This is great. I’m blowing this up and putting it on the wall in my office. Fourth-and-two on the 28 and we go for it! So awesome.”
After the team photo, several shocked players asked Belichick if he was just kidding. If the whole thing was an attempt, perhaps misguided, to lighten the mood in the crushed Patriots locker room.
“Kidding? Ha! Absolutely not,” he said. “No way. I made you guys lose. You were like puppets on a string out there. You really think that up by six with two minutes to go in the game I'd risk just giving the other team the ball on the 28? Only a moron would do that. Or an insane person. Or an insane moron.I mean, jeez – none of you retards got a little suspicious when I sent the play in? Really? After all this time, you really think I’m that stupid? It seemed so obvious to me. You losers are more gullible than that the ginger balls Roger Goodell.”
With those players who weren’t already crying now wailing over the betrayal by their own coach, Belichick gleefully turned the knife.
“Oh, and enjoy those three Super Bowl rings from earlier this decade while you can,” he cackled, holding his sides in laughter. “Because you won’t have them much longer. I cheated in those Super Bowls. Big time. And it’s all going to come out. Because I'm going to spill the beans on everything. That’s right – everything you have all accomplished in your careers is a sham. Everything you have worked for, sweated for, bled for … is a lie. Isn’t it hilarious?! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, man. I’m laughing so hard I just spit up in my mouth. I mean, Brady – did you really think you were good enough to win three Super Bowls? Really? Come on, guy. You were a sixth round draft pick, you homo. You weren't even good at Michigan. Yet all of a sudden you’re unstoppable? Nothing seemed suspicious to you? What kind of fantasy world do you live in, goat boy?”
Belichick then warned his team that none of his words were to leave the locker room.
"If anyone speaks of this, you're cut and I'll trash your name all around the league so you never get another job," he said, laughing uproariously. "Oh, man. I love my job, you stupid idiots."