SI Pop Culture Grid Actually a Sign of the Apocalypse

The nation’s leading astrologers and numerologists today announced to reporters that Sports Illustrated’s Pop Culture grid, in which athletes are asked various playful questions about their tastes in pop culture, is actually an ominous sign of the end times which belongs in the magazine’s Signs of the Apocalypse section.
“Nostradamus prophesied this in a journal entry he wrote in 1557,” said astrologist Brooke Myer.“It’s as plain as day — ‘And lo, there shalt come a time when man shall abide by the counsel of four fools, strong of muscle but not of mind’ – When you read SI’s Pop Culture grid, the similarities are downright eerie.”
Numerologist Carnie Matheson agrees.“It won’t be long now.The world cannot sustain itself much longer if a major sports publication is actually printing answers to questions like, ‘Amy Winehouse should _____,’ or ‘______ should have his own reality show.’They always pick one of their teammates.ALWAYS.‘Oh, my teammate Chris Henry is sooo funny!’We all know that isn’t true.It won’t be long before the sky is raining blood.
“And why do all of these a—holes listen to Kenny Chesney?”
Both Myer and Matheson agree that Sports Illustrated should, at the very least, cease asking athletes about books they read (“Half of them always reply that they don’t read,” says Myer), or about which celebrity they’d die to have dinner with (“They always say Jesus or Beyonce.”).
“And I really wish they’d stop including a token WNBA athlete in there,” said Matheson.“This disrupts the entire karma flow of the earth system.No one gives a flying f—k if Diana Taurasi had grilled chicken for dinner last night.It’s somehow even MORE inane.That’s practically begging the fault lines to spread open, swallowing entire cities whole, wiping out families and neighborhoods and cultures and forever obliterating all that we hold dear.”
The fortune tellers gathered here today believe that taking those few minimal steps could help avert worldwide catastrophe.
“We’ve been down this road with SI before,” says Myer.“They tempted universal extinction when they ran Bill Scheft’s column all those years ago, and they wisely heeded our advice then.It is time for them, once again, to take our warnings seriously.Or else, tsunamis of magma will flood our coasts and char everything to mere cinders if the world is again subjected to whether or not Ozzie Guillen has seen ‘Bruno’.”