Rick Ankiel talks to Mark McGwire about his hitting woes

On his first day on the job as the new hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, Mark McGwire was approached by outfielder Rick Ankiel for some batting tips.
But McGwire, ever safe with his words, just regurgitated lines his attorneys approved from his infamous testimony before Congress.

Ankiel: Mark, I need help. I hit only .238 this year. My on-base-percentage was .285. I only had 11 home runs and 38 RBI. I could hit better than that back when I was a pitcher.
McGwire: I'm not here to talk about the past.
Ankiel: Okay, the positive approach. I like that. Are there specific things you think I should work on?
McGwire: That's not for me to determine.
Ankiel: It's not? But you were hired as our new hitting coach. I saw it on the news last night.
McGwire: Like I've said earlier, I'm not going to go into the past and talk about my past.
Ankiel: Umm … okay.
McGwire: I'm here to talk about the present.
Ankiel: I'm getting confused.
McGwire: I'm here to make a positive influence on this.
Ankiel: Okay, well let me ask you about being in a slump. Sometimes when I'm going bad I don't swing quite as hard and instead just try to make contact.
McGwire: I've never had that problem.
Ankiel: But how do I get my confidence back? It's shot. But I can't admit that. And LaRussa keeps asking me if I'm feeling good or not.
McGwire: If a player answers 'No,' he simply will not be believed. If he answers 'Yes,' he risks public scorn and endless government investigations.
Ankiel: I don't know about that.
McGwire: Being retired and out of the game, I couldn't even think about that.
Ankiel: Whatever. Okay, here's a straight question — should I get back on steroids?
McGwire: Steroids are wrong. Don't take them. It gives you nothing but false hope.
Ankiel: Yeah, false hope … and 583 home runs.
McGwire: I'm not here to talk about my past.
Ankiel: Okay. No on the steroids. What about a slump-buster? Should I bang a really ugly chick? You know, pick up the fattest, ugliest girl at the bar, take her home and do her all freaky-like? Did you ever do that?
McGwire: My lawyers have advised me that I cannot answer these questions without jeopardizing my friends, my family and myself. I intend to follow their advice.
Ankiel: Fine. I get it. You've got a kid and don't want to talk about that stuff publicly. But, guys you played with — Canseco, Walt Weiss. You played with Carney Lansford. The guy's freaking name was 'Carney' and he had a big porn 'stache. No doubt they did some nasty skanks from time to time to get out of slumps, am I right?
McGwire: What I will not do is participate in naming names and implicating my friends.
Ankiel: Okay. Fine. Whatever. This has been a complete waste of my time. I'm just going to work on my swing by myself.
McGwire: What anybody can do to improve it so that there's no more meetings like this, I'm all for it.


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