1. Cincinnati Bengals — By crushing the Bears, they stayed tied for first in the AFC North with the Steelers and are feeling good about themselves heading into their bye week. Best of all, the Bengals treated the nation to numerous shots of Sad Cutler. Oh, and Bears, let Cedric Benson be a lesson to you: do NOT EVER cut a running back who has sucked for three years and been a locker room cancer AGAIN. What were you thinking??? Idiots!
2. JaMarcus Russell — In the fourth quarter of yesterday's blowout defeat of the Raiders, Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was spotted eating a hot dog on the bench. Now you know, JaMarcus: Oakland Coliseum vendors deliver to the bench. Your NFL career is about to get a lot more enjoyable.
3. Alex Smith — News flash: the former No. 1 overall pick is not dead! Really! I saw him on the field yesterday for the 49ers! I guess those reports that he had passed away inside his house of starvation, his miniature hands too small and weak to open his door to leave or dial a phone, were untrue. Huh. Also, he threw three touchdowns in the second half yesterday, all to Vernon Davis. (Who is also apparently not dead! YAY!)
4. Jake Delhomme — As always, you really blew. No touchdowns, three interceptions, and a loss. At home. To the Bills! Yet, you play in a league with JaMarcus Russell, Josh Johnson, Matt Cassel, Marc Bulger and Derek Anderson. All of them had worse quarterback ratings than you did on Sunday. Plus, Brett Favre and Jay Cutler stepped forward with some high-profile suck. And with all the teams on byes this week, you almost performed in the top-half of quarterbacks! Congratulations! (Now quit. For the sake of Panthers fans. If you've ever wanted to go out on a high, this is as high as it's going to get for you.)
5. Vikings fans— You were given the gift of realistic expectations. Some of you had started to think that Brett Favre had become someone other than Brett Favre. Someone who is incapable of single-handedly snatching defeat from the jaws of victory at a moment's notice and then, as victory still tries to reach back and grab his teammates and pull them to safety, mowing over victory's head. You, of course, were wrong. Brett Favre is still Brett Favre. He will always be Brett Favre. Those of us lucky enough to root for teams he has not decided to parasite his way onto count on this fact. It fills us with great joy and schadenfreude. And it's good you realized this truth about Favre now and not during a "shocking" four-interception game in the NFC Championship Game. You will now experience less heartbreak this way. So let this game serve as a reminder: Adrian Peterson is your savior, not Brett Favre. (Not that Peterson is perfect. He fumbles a lot. And yesterday he outed himself as a Gay basher.) (EDIT: Here's a better example of Peterson's homophobia.)
Oh, and for good measure, and to compliment the beautiful art above:
1. The British — You sold out a game to watch the crappy Tampa Bay Buccaneers play a team named in honor of people who overthrew your government in a sport you don't like? You are more pathetic than I thought. America has many problems, but I don't think you'd see a stadium filled here for a soccer match between West Ham United and the Kabul Death-To-Americas. U-S-A. U-S-freaking-A!
2. America — But let's not get too high on ourselves. The British probably aren't subjected to those DirecTV commercials in which David Spade takes a dump all over Chris Farley's grave. You're stuck there with Chris Farley, David Spade? Well, we're stuck with you alive and Chris Farley dead. So we have it worse off. By a mile.
3. Miami Dolphins — Two of Chad Henne's top targets in yesterday's choke loss to the Saints: Brian Hartline and Ted Ginn, Jr. Both from Ohio State. I'm wondering at what point in a BCS title game Miami scouts thought to themselves: "Now those are the players we need on this team!"
4. breast cancer — Week 7 was the last week of NFL action in October. That means next week is November and Breast Cancer Awareness Month is OVER. NFL players no longer have to pretend to care about cancer, at least not any cancers not caused by steroids.
5. Ricky Williams — The game against the Saints started perfectly. You were destroying them. Just like when you played for the Saints. But then at the end, everything fell apart. You were kind of like Cinderella.
NFL Week 7: Winners and Losers