NFL Week 5: Winners and Losers

WINNERS
1. NFL officials — It was near freezing in Denver and windy. Yet the officials still didn't call Mother Nature for roughing Tom Brady. I am shocked, impressed and pleased.
2. JaMarcus Russell, QB, Raiders— He always gets blamed for making the Raiders lose. But this week they were already down 28-0 before he made his first of three fumbles. Congrats, JaMarcus!
3. Derek Anderson, QB, Browns — He was 2-for-17 for 23 yards and one interception. His leading receiver had one catch for 16 yards. His second-leading (and last) receiver had one catch for seven yards. Derek Anderson proved that looks don't always equal results. It's going to take a long session at the salon for Brady Quinn to sort through his thoughts on this one.
4. Baltimore Ravens— They've lost two in a row. They're next seven games are: at Minnesota, vs. Denver, at Cincinnati, at Cleveland, vs. Indianapolis, vs. Pittsburgh, at Green Bay. They'll be the underdog in at least four of those games, and possibly six of the seven. It's good this team loves playing the disrespected underdog card because the standings could soon get very disrespectful to them.
5. Minnesota Vikings — They're 5-0. Brett Favre continues to limit his mistakes. They're staying healthy. And now they don't even have to charter boats to have their desires fulfilled.

LOSERS
1. Brad St. Louis, LS, Bengals — St. Louis is a long-snapper who just so happens to have a major issue with snapping the football anywhere near the holder. But don't worry, Mr. St. Louis. This is not a huge problem. There are plenty of other career options for long-snappers who are unable to hurl things through their legs with any accuracy. Jobs such as … hmm. Umm … do rich, movie dogs ever hire people to cover over their poop?
2. San Francisco 49ers — The 49ers lost 45-10 at home to the Falcons. But that's not the bad part. The bad part is that they were trailing 35-0 at the half and that Mike Singletary has been an NFL head coach for a year now. You know the time commitment that takes. You know the strain it puts on coaches' bodies, on their waistbands. Which is to say: when Singletary dropped is pants at halftime, the 49ers probably were forced to look at one very flabby set of buttocks.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers defense — Without Troy Polamalu, the Steelers' defense is a sieve in the fourth quarter. First quarter: Steel Curtain. Second quarter: Steel Curtain. Third quarter: Steel Curtain. Fourth quarter: Meat Curtain.
4. Denver Broncos — How about not letting Kyle Orton do your uniform shopping anymore after a night out on the town?
5. Breast cancer — Ed Hochuli wore pink wristbands yesterday. Methinks breast cancer is about to get choked out by Eddie Guns' biceps. Without blood flow, those cancerous cells will die. DIE!


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