NFL on FOX Pregame Show Instructions

As part of SportsPickle's continuing commitment to corporate espionage, we have managed to intercept yet another sensitive document. This time we’ve nabbed the house rules for the studio hosts ofFox NFL Sunday. We warn you: some of this document contains strong language and/or references to Joe Buck.

Welcome to the Fox Sports team! We’re glad to have you on board for another exciting season ofFox NFL Sunday, and we think this just might be our best season yet. Since you’re new to the show, Fox is taking this opportunity to provide you with the few simple ground rules by which we ask our on-air talent to abide. We think the list is self-explanatory, but if you need any clarifications, just ask a producer.
>> Let us be perfectly clear: that joke your colleague just told was not just funny. It was the most hilarious quip in the history of humor. Simply by uttering that uproarious one-liner, Terry Bradshaw brought several dead comedians back to life. (You have no idea how happy Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks are to be back.) Your laughter should reflect the transcendent level of humor that’s being thrown around in the studio.
>> Here at Fox, we’re not unreasonable, though. We know that sometimes it’s just not possible to fake-laugh at a joke if it’s just too terrible. That’s why we’ll being pumping nitrous oxide into the studio three minutes before any Frank Caliendo appearance. Take slow, deep breaths in order to inhale as much laughing gas as possible so you can really bust a gut when Caliendo begins one of his warmed-over impressions. Remember: if you can chuckle hardily enough, you might see your family alive again.
>> Oh, that reminds us. Fox is holding your family captive in an underground bunker until the kickoff of the four o’clock games. Just as a little extra incentive for you to perform. Don’t worry; they’ll probably be fine if you just do your job. We probably should have mentioned this earlier.
>> Please refrain from making fun of Joe Buck while on the air.
>> Off the air, please strive to make fun of Joe Buck as much as humanly possible. Fox-sanctioned nicknames include “Joe Schmuck,” “That Pompous Ass Joe Buck,” and, of course, “Douchey the Magnifi-Douche.”
>> To preempt some natural curiosity you’ll have during your first season: yes, for the amount of money we spent designing and programming Cleatus the Fox Sports Robot, Fox could have fed every hungry child in Africa for 17 days. However, when we surveyed these starving children, nearly 90% of them said they would gladly forego a bowl of nourishing rice for the opportunity to see a CGI robot breakdance before truck commercials. You can’t argue with focus group numbers like those!
>> Just FYI because most new hires want to avoid it: when Madden worked here he generally used the third stall from the door.
>> Try not to make direct eye contact with Jay Glazer. This rule is in place for your safety. On a related note, you’ll notice that there is a stack of Manhattan phone books in the corner of the studio. Should you accidentally enrage Glazer, just give him a few of the books to practice tearing. By the time he’s through reminding everyone that he’s both an NFL Insider AND a badass, he’s usually calmed down a bit.
>> If Bradshaw’s got some drool on his chin, discreetly wipe it off. Also, please feel free to spot him the "C" in "CAT."
>> Please show up for work each Sunday with a list of 10 new and creative cracks about Michael Strahan’s teeth. Sprinkle these liberally throughout the broadcast, and give any unused jokes to a producer, who will then forward them to the writers of Strahan’s hit new sitcomBrothers. (Friday night! 8 p.m.! Only on Fox!)
>> Starting this season, the no-open-flame zone around Jimmy Johnson will be expanded to a radius of 25 feet. Fox got lucky that nobody realized we replaced him with a robot after the dreadful hair fire in Week 12 last year, but we can’t always count on being so fortunate.
>> From time to time Howie Long will have a little bit of trouble with the teleprompter, so you might need to help him with words containing three syllables or more. (“Indianapolis” in particular seems to give him some trouble.) Be prepared to whisper under your breath to help him out with the tricky pronunciations. Don’t think a good deed will be its own reward, either; Howie’s pockets are stuffed with coupons that can get you 10% off any single item at Radio Shack!
>> Pam Oliver’s on-location pregame reporting has never contributed anything to anyone’s analysis or understanding of what would happen during the game. Feel free to think about other things when she’s talking.
>> Jillian, on the other hand, should receive your full attention, and you should go out of your way to make it abundantly clear that she is HOT. When he’s on-screen, make your eyes bug out, pant like a dog, yell “Hubba, hubba”…Fox really doesn’t care, just let the audience know that they’re looking at a sexy woman. Under no circumstances should you point out that she “looks sort of like a former stripper who married someone rich and then hired a full-time makeup artist who mostly got C’s in cosmetology school.”
>> Don’t ever think Fox won’t let you go. If we canned Barry Switzer’s ass when he’s always armed to the teeth and full of Jack Daniels, what chance do you have? We can have Glenn Beck sitting in that chair before you’re even off the lot, buddy.
>> Always remember the most important rule: have fun!
>> Always remember the second most important rule: if Glazer asks you if you think he’s tall, for the love of God, just say “yes.”
We are excited to have you aboard!