MLB: Semenball Allegations Too Disgusting to Investigate

The Internet was abuzz yesterday as a YouTube video showing Yankees closer Mariano Rivera having what could only be called "relations" with the baseball during Game 4 of the ALCS made the rounds. After Rivera achieved orgasm, his next pitch had a sharp break to it. But Major League Baseball has said the allegations of a possible semenball are far too disgusting to investigate.
"What do you want me to do," said MLB director of public relations Jonathan McCourt, "take the ball and see if there are traces of Mariano Rivera's semen on it? Yeah, no thanks. Not something in the job description I interviewed for."
Despite MLB's refusal to investigate the matter further, the video clearly shows Rivera looking around, removing his member from his pants, pleasuring himself for approximately 25 seconds, ejaculating in the direction of the ball, placing his member back in his pants, and then throwing a pitch that had a sharp slider break.
"Look, from everything I hear, that's exactly what happened," said commissioner Bud Selig. "But no way am I looking at the video. I saw about three seconds of it and I lost my lunch. Under no circumstances will I view it again. If that's how Mariano Rivera wants to win then … fine, I guess. I'm not going out onto the mound to stop him, and I don't think any of our umpires would be willing to do that either."
Rivera addressed reporters before batting practice this morning and said he understood that it might have looked like he ejaculated on the ball, but "it was the angle."
"I didn't do it," he said. "Did I rub one out? Of course. Everyone who saw the game knows I did. But I just did that to relax myself. It was a pressure situation. But I definitely did not put semen on the ball."
Yet the closer left some doubts.
"I will say that there's nothing in the rule book that addresses semenballs — or spermballs, as some people call them," he said. "I know. I looked."